Miss Pessimistic?????

Hello Internet:

Since I want to keep this blog a daily thing, today may not be what is normally given. Last night a lot of my past experiences were forced back into my mind, and I can't quite get them out. The arguments, friends lost and gained, things I had stupidly done, all the things I try so hard every day to forget.

I haven't felt this in a while honestly, and to those that know what this feeling feels like- it is so hard to explain. Ever since it all rushed back there has been a constant "bad" butterflies feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like I'm supposed to be doing something, or something bad is going to happen. And honestly, it scares me. For once, in a long long long time, I am actually content and satisfied with myself and where I am- and we all have been here, right? And I know this is kind of contradicting to previous post(s)...but honestly I am scared this feeling won't last.

Why do we do that? We KNOW it won't last, and we should cherish every moment we have, but that even tiny bit of inclination that what you have will be snatched away we freak out. My mind has been running in circles, and I apologize for this post- not what I wanted to post, but then again...we all hurt sometimes. We all have pains and struggles, which I guess is honestly the reason for my blog. To open up minds and show people that there isn't only one way to think about things.

The one thing that would always bother my family about my dad is yes, he may understand that there are other ways of people doing things- but he doesn't understand WHY?. Why do people use drugs or anything else to ease their pain, "just swallow it and keep pressing on" is something he would say. Haha, I remember when he found out I was seeing a counselor THAT WAS FUNNY! He called me and was like what are you doing basically, and I just started screaming and crying on the phone telling him he couldn't tell me shit because he has never been there. That he needs to understand that I'm not perfect (no one is) and that he needs to start accepting what I had been doing. I think the emotion got to him, and he honestly didn't know how to handle it and told me about these online therapists- it's like IM only they help you? Haha weird.

I don't know, at this point in my post I am just kinda rambling on...letting emotions leave my iced over heart. The overcast cold day doesn't help me want to smile either. It's odd, I am always the one smiling and laughing at literally, everything. But the moment I stop- the world collapses- people don't like it, they don't understand why I'm being so "moody".

Something to ponder Internet: Why is it that people get angry when someone who is normally so happy go lucky all of a sudden is human and hurts a little. Is it because they don't know how to handle it, because you were the reason they smile? Why?! Why can they hurt and I can't?

Last night when it all rushed in- I don't like talking about my emotional past a lot anymore- my friend just looked at me and was like I don't like you being quiet. I don't like you like this...did I do something? Can I fix it? Smile. C'mon. Pushing and pushing, but I ask you friend, why can't I just be human? I know they wanted me to open up and talk about it, but then once I did- I was automatically cut off.

One problem about always listening- people don't expect you to talk.

So what I leave you with today is...

"Stand up for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone."

Listen to others, but DO NOT let them take the power of your words away either. Make others listen once in a while...help them learn something they didn't know. I challenge you Internet, listen for a while, once they get used to it- try talking and see what happens. Then STAND UP for yourself. Do not let anyone take away your voice...never.

Beauty comes out in the words we speak.

-Miss Pessoptimisic?