Hello Internet-
So as the new year is beginning, and the old one is coming to a close, we need to ask ourselves...where are we going? What is it we want for this year? And, how should it be different than last year?
My goal for this year is to create my own happiness, I've been struggling a lot at school trying to be happy, and with everything that has been going on in my life. I don't know if I have talked about it before, but, a major change happened in my life this past year. I officially feel I have lost a father. Some information was found out that he now has another home, which looks almost identical to the one he used to live in, my home. He also may or may not have been having an affair with his secretary, regardless...what has happened is his business, not mine.
I met with him for dinner after all this information came about, and I told him I just wanted a father. He told me that I had to make an effort to keep in touch too..because this is all my fault that he "works" all the time and can't even answer my phone calls or texts. I tried for a bit, but was so disappointed when I realized that it was all the same. Nothing had changed. I was so hopeful that maybe I could actually start building a relationship with him, where instead it feels that we have drifted even more.
I didn't realize how much the whole situation was affecting me, until a friend of mine pointed it out. I have built my walls up so high again, that it's almost impossible for anyone to break them down. I lost a lot of trust in a lot of people, because we never know what people can do to us. The people we think may never hurt us can. I basically shut down. I stopped talking about things that were eating me up inside, and isolated myself with my boyfriend. Worst mistake I think I have ever made. I depended so much on him to make me feel better, and after 4-5 months of me still feeling the same, it almost feels like I lost faith in him. That I feel he may not be able to help me with situations.
Reality is: I just never brought it up...out of sight out of mind. I didn't want to think about it. I'd be fine and then it would pop in my head and then I'd uncontrollably start crying. It hurt. It ate me alive, until I lost a lot of who I was, who I had worked so hard to be. The vivacious, happy go lucky, everything happens for a reason girl. When I would try to bring it up, he just never understood. His family is always together talking, they are in each others business, etc. When I'm around his family, I can't not be happy...it's a family I've always wanted to be a part of. It's hard for someone to put themselves in other people's shoes- when they haven't seen a lot of disaster in their life.
I've been dealing with a life changing experience all on my own. I've been trying and trying to open up to people, but that trust just isn't there. I'm back to trying to control the world- and it's tiring. I want life to take me where I'm supposed to go, like I did for a while.
With the new year, I want to have faith. I want to enjoy my busy days. I want to let go of the things that have rotten inside of me. I want to be happy Internet, and you should be too. With new years comes a new way of thinking...mine is what it used to be...I'm just going back to the old old way of thinking :).
I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year!
-Miss Optimistic
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Take Me Back
Hello Internet-
For a while, I haven't thought about my real beliefs. The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne, that so greatly lead my life in optimism had slowly been slipping out of my mind. I thought about an old friend about a week ago, a friend who introduced this book to me. His recommendation changed my life for the better, and I will be ever grateful to this man, however, the next day after he crossed my mind he called me. It was The Secret working it's magic- there is no explanation. I haven't talked to this old friend in 6 months, and randomly after I think about him he calls me? Coincidence- I think not... I asked for it.
Lately, these "coincidences" have been happening a lot, or at least I am noticing them more often. All we have to do is think positively and put that out into the universe, and sure enough- it'll come back. Life has been a struggle lately- or so it seems. The constant arguments, the feeling that I'm lost, dealing with issues I have hidden so deep, etc. it seems as though fate has been messing with me. Taking a step back, I realize I was letting myself drown in that "pool of negativity" I was talking about, and how is that a good way to live?
I called my mom after talking to my friend crying- telling her I hated where I was. It was so depressing and cold and every negative word in the book..that's not going to make it any better. She said, "Maybe that's why you went there, to figure out how to create your own happiness." We wait for happiness to be created for us, or for things to happen that make us happier, but why is it so hard for us to just be happy with what is there in front of us.
For me, I don't know about you Internet- but it's hard to create my own happiness when everything that surrounds me doesn't make me feel better. So...how does one create their own happiness? Well, I created it by finally coming home. Being with my dog, on my own, time to myself, and relaxing I have become closer to who I was before I went back to school. We need to come to terms with ourselves- and who we are, not what we want to be. The only way to do that...is to ask for what we want, use the secret to our advantage :).
-Miss Optimistic
For a while, I haven't thought about my real beliefs. The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne, that so greatly lead my life in optimism had slowly been slipping out of my mind. I thought about an old friend about a week ago, a friend who introduced this book to me. His recommendation changed my life for the better, and I will be ever grateful to this man, however, the next day after he crossed my mind he called me. It was The Secret working it's magic- there is no explanation. I haven't talked to this old friend in 6 months, and randomly after I think about him he calls me? Coincidence- I think not... I asked for it.
Lately, these "coincidences" have been happening a lot, or at least I am noticing them more often. All we have to do is think positively and put that out into the universe, and sure enough- it'll come back. Life has been a struggle lately- or so it seems. The constant arguments, the feeling that I'm lost, dealing with issues I have hidden so deep, etc. it seems as though fate has been messing with me. Taking a step back, I realize I was letting myself drown in that "pool of negativity" I was talking about, and how is that a good way to live?
I called my mom after talking to my friend crying- telling her I hated where I was. It was so depressing and cold and every negative word in the book..that's not going to make it any better. She said, "Maybe that's why you went there, to figure out how to create your own happiness." We wait for happiness to be created for us, or for things to happen that make us happier, but why is it so hard for us to just be happy with what is there in front of us.
For me, I don't know about you Internet- but it's hard to create my own happiness when everything that surrounds me doesn't make me feel better. So...how does one create their own happiness? Well, I created it by finally coming home. Being with my dog, on my own, time to myself, and relaxing I have become closer to who I was before I went back to school. We need to come to terms with ourselves- and who we are, not what we want to be. The only way to do that...is to ask for what we want, use the secret to our advantage :).
-Miss Optimistic
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Slow down
Hello Internet-
I came across a site today, famous quotes from famous philosophers. How perfect :). Although I read through Buddha, Plato, and Socrates; one quote by Confucius really stood out to me. Never hearing about this man, or I probably have just didn't retain it when I was told about him, I found his words moving.
"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."
It's funny, because I get frustrated when things don't just come easy. I have a plan, a course that I want to take, and often times it never goes how I have planned. That doesn't mean that I won't achieve these goals I set for myself. When I read this quote by Confucius, I immediately thought of "slow and steady wins the race", that story of the hare and the turtle racing to the finish line.
We are always in such a rush to get the most amount of money, to finish school, to learn something, to be at the top, etc. We constantly are rushing- but why? When ever since we were a kid we were told- no matter how slow you go, it'll get done. That's what my challenge is to you Internet- just slow down. If you've had goals that are taking forever to reach, or maybe the path is a little different than you had planned, don't give up. Life has ways of giving you what you deserve, and if you want it badly enough- you'll receive whatever it is.
What's funny, is lately all I want to do is be done with school- to just be out in the real world, and I'm almost positive once I'm in the real world, I'm going to want to be done with it and be retired. We want things to happen quickly, why not enjoy the moments that life is giving us? A good friend of mine showed me this song it's called Chinese Translation by M Ward. The lyrics are absolutely beautiful...I suggest you look into it.
"And I said, what do you do with the pieces of a broken heart? And how can a man like me remain in the light? And if life is really as short as they say, then why is the night so long? And then the sun went down, and he sang for me this song. See I once was a young fool like you afraid to do the things that I knew I had to do. So I played an escapade just like you."
We have these questions as to why things aren't going the way we planned, or why life is showing us these pains, these failures, and these struggles, but the thing is, it seems we just give up too easily. We are afraid of the fight and scared of the outcomes we are unaware of.
The days are short, that's why the nights are so long...so that we can see the important things during the day and appreciate them when we can't see them at night. Internet- Don't let things discourage you. Don't let time, fear, or failure keep you away from what you want...if you want it you'll get it, not matter how long or short it'll take you.
-Miss Optimistic
I came across a site today, famous quotes from famous philosophers. How perfect :). Although I read through Buddha, Plato, and Socrates; one quote by Confucius really stood out to me. Never hearing about this man, or I probably have just didn't retain it when I was told about him, I found his words moving.
"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."
It's funny, because I get frustrated when things don't just come easy. I have a plan, a course that I want to take, and often times it never goes how I have planned. That doesn't mean that I won't achieve these goals I set for myself. When I read this quote by Confucius, I immediately thought of "slow and steady wins the race", that story of the hare and the turtle racing to the finish line.
We are always in such a rush to get the most amount of money, to finish school, to learn something, to be at the top, etc. We constantly are rushing- but why? When ever since we were a kid we were told- no matter how slow you go, it'll get done. That's what my challenge is to you Internet- just slow down. If you've had goals that are taking forever to reach, or maybe the path is a little different than you had planned, don't give up. Life has ways of giving you what you deserve, and if you want it badly enough- you'll receive whatever it is.
What's funny, is lately all I want to do is be done with school- to just be out in the real world, and I'm almost positive once I'm in the real world, I'm going to want to be done with it and be retired. We want things to happen quickly, why not enjoy the moments that life is giving us? A good friend of mine showed me this song it's called Chinese Translation by M Ward. The lyrics are absolutely beautiful...I suggest you look into it.
"And I said, what do you do with the pieces of a broken heart? And how can a man like me remain in the light? And if life is really as short as they say, then why is the night so long? And then the sun went down, and he sang for me this song. See I once was a young fool like you afraid to do the things that I knew I had to do. So I played an escapade just like you."
We have these questions as to why things aren't going the way we planned, or why life is showing us these pains, these failures, and these struggles, but the thing is, it seems we just give up too easily. We are afraid of the fight and scared of the outcomes we are unaware of.
The days are short, that's why the nights are so long...so that we can see the important things during the day and appreciate them when we can't see them at night. Internet- Don't let things discourage you. Don't let time, fear, or failure keep you away from what you want...if you want it you'll get it, not matter how long or short it'll take you.
-Miss Optimistic
Friday, December 10, 2010
Distractions
Hello Internet-
Lately, I have been having a lot of distractions- hence why I haven't been writing as frequently. My mind, my body, and my soul continue to be distracted even when I don't want them to be. Right now I am distracting myself with this post instead of writing a final paper for a class. We constantly do it- but why? We like procrastinating and putting things off till the last minute. I've been thinking about this, and what is so great about distractions? Why do we need our minds to be constantly buzzing and busy?
My theory is this:
We are afraid. I'm distracting myself because I am afraid of how my paper is going to come out, or I really just don't know where to take it from where it is.
We distract ourselves from relationships because we fear we are losing feelings or we are feeling something different.
We distract ourselves from our friends because we love what is distracting us.
We are naturally attracted to things that will keep us busy. Example: FACEBOOK! Keeps our mind busy on stalking people, and our mind off of the work we are supposed to be doing. CELL PHONES! We distract ourselves from class with this technology that keeps our mind focused on what we think is more important.
How do we know what is more important though Internet? We do what we want- and I think that's the problem. We don't think about the consequences our actions may have- we just do. We get caught up in moments and realize later they mean little to nothing. We take little initiative with the things that we have to do, and a lot of initiative with the things we want to do.
These distractions shouldn't be seen as a bad thing though- if we want to be distracted from something, most likely it's not that important to us subconsciously anyway. Keep that in mind, and just follow your heart <3.
-Miss Optimistic
Lately, I have been having a lot of distractions- hence why I haven't been writing as frequently. My mind, my body, and my soul continue to be distracted even when I don't want them to be. Right now I am distracting myself with this post instead of writing a final paper for a class. We constantly do it- but why? We like procrastinating and putting things off till the last minute. I've been thinking about this, and what is so great about distractions? Why do we need our minds to be constantly buzzing and busy?
My theory is this:
We are afraid. I'm distracting myself because I am afraid of how my paper is going to come out, or I really just don't know where to take it from where it is.
We distract ourselves from relationships because we fear we are losing feelings or we are feeling something different.
We distract ourselves from our friends because we love what is distracting us.
We are naturally attracted to things that will keep us busy. Example: FACEBOOK! Keeps our mind busy on stalking people, and our mind off of the work we are supposed to be doing. CELL PHONES! We distract ourselves from class with this technology that keeps our mind focused on what we think is more important.
How do we know what is more important though Internet? We do what we want- and I think that's the problem. We don't think about the consequences our actions may have- we just do. We get caught up in moments and realize later they mean little to nothing. We take little initiative with the things that we have to do, and a lot of initiative with the things we want to do.
These distractions shouldn't be seen as a bad thing though- if we want to be distracted from something, most likely it's not that important to us subconsciously anyway. Keep that in mind, and just follow your heart <3.
-Miss Optimistic
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Be who you are
Hello Internet-
So, I should be writing a 10 page paper, but I feel I have some things to get off my chest before I dive into that.
In life we make decisions, and sometimes we make decisions for other people, becuase we are in love, etc. I made a decision a while ago that I would change who I was for someone, I even took a class for that someone...but I ask you Internet- how is that being me? It's not. I'm changing who I am to be who someone else wants me to be. The fact that it was even stated it had to be done in order for me to be accepted erks me. I shouldn't have to change who I am for someone to accept me, if I am "good enough" or if I am where I'm supposed to be, people will love me and accept me for me.
I told that someone today, I wouldn't change myself if it came down to it. To give you a little bit more information- I am not Jewish, but my boyfriend is. In order for kids to be Jewish- the mom has to be. So, something my boyfriend said would have to happen if we were to get married is I would have to convert. I said it would be no problem, becuase I love him and I'd do anything for him. But lately, I have lost myself in us. I have devoted so much time to him and making sure he's okay and he has what he needs, that I've lost who I am and what I need.
Yesterday I went to Judaism class for the first time probably in about a month and a half. The only reason why I went was to get my final paper, and who would've guessed... the one day I do go they talk about conversion.
In case you don't know a bit about me- I am someone who believes in the Universe, not in God. I believe in fate and that life will take me where I'm supposed to, not God will make sure I get there. I believe I must own up to my own mistakes and make them make me a better person, not go to a minister or a rabbi and have my sins "released" off of me. My "sins" are a part of me. We all are a sin..and it's time we realize this. It's time that we stop asking people to change, and start accepting people for who they are!
When I told my boyfriend today that I wouldn't convert, it's just not who I am. He said, that's fine just understand my family won't accept you. A part of me thought...maybe his family isn't supposed to be mine then. If my religion or lack there of in this case, is the deal breaker with his family...then that's not the family for me. Don't get me wrong I love his family! But, I am not willing to change my beliefs and who I am for them, or him. We are all strong people and we are all trying to find ourselves...we don't need others telling us what to do.
I am so passionate about how I don't have a label on me for religion. When someone asks what are you I say I don't know...and I take pride in that. My one teacher says we all limit ourselves to boxes. White, black, Indian, etc. Homosexual, heterosexual, etc. Jew, Catholic, Buddhist, etc. And I love the idea of not having to check one of those boxes off. Yes I am white, yes I am heterosexual, but I am nothing when it comes to religion. I am me and I follow my heart, and we all should do this.
I am doing what I can to find myself...I'm not doing what will just make me like everyone else, and Internet, you shouldn't either. Be who you are, and be proud of it. You shouldn't want to change yourself, becuase we are all incredible.
-Miss Optimistic
So, I should be writing a 10 page paper, but I feel I have some things to get off my chest before I dive into that.
In life we make decisions, and sometimes we make decisions for other people, becuase we are in love, etc. I made a decision a while ago that I would change who I was for someone, I even took a class for that someone...but I ask you Internet- how is that being me? It's not. I'm changing who I am to be who someone else wants me to be. The fact that it was even stated it had to be done in order for me to be accepted erks me. I shouldn't have to change who I am for someone to accept me, if I am "good enough" or if I am where I'm supposed to be, people will love me and accept me for me.
I told that someone today, I wouldn't change myself if it came down to it. To give you a little bit more information- I am not Jewish, but my boyfriend is. In order for kids to be Jewish- the mom has to be. So, something my boyfriend said would have to happen if we were to get married is I would have to convert. I said it would be no problem, becuase I love him and I'd do anything for him. But lately, I have lost myself in us. I have devoted so much time to him and making sure he's okay and he has what he needs, that I've lost who I am and what I need.
Yesterday I went to Judaism class for the first time probably in about a month and a half. The only reason why I went was to get my final paper, and who would've guessed... the one day I do go they talk about conversion.
In case you don't know a bit about me- I am someone who believes in the Universe, not in God. I believe in fate and that life will take me where I'm supposed to, not God will make sure I get there. I believe I must own up to my own mistakes and make them make me a better person, not go to a minister or a rabbi and have my sins "released" off of me. My "sins" are a part of me. We all are a sin..and it's time we realize this. It's time that we stop asking people to change, and start accepting people for who they are!
When I told my boyfriend today that I wouldn't convert, it's just not who I am. He said, that's fine just understand my family won't accept you. A part of me thought...maybe his family isn't supposed to be mine then. If my religion or lack there of in this case, is the deal breaker with his family...then that's not the family for me. Don't get me wrong I love his family! But, I am not willing to change my beliefs and who I am for them, or him. We are all strong people and we are all trying to find ourselves...we don't need others telling us what to do.
I am so passionate about how I don't have a label on me for religion. When someone asks what are you I say I don't know...and I take pride in that. My one teacher says we all limit ourselves to boxes. White, black, Indian, etc. Homosexual, heterosexual, etc. Jew, Catholic, Buddhist, etc. And I love the idea of not having to check one of those boxes off. Yes I am white, yes I am heterosexual, but I am nothing when it comes to religion. I am me and I follow my heart, and we all should do this.
I am doing what I can to find myself...I'm not doing what will just make me like everyone else, and Internet, you shouldn't either. Be who you are, and be proud of it. You shouldn't want to change yourself, becuase we are all incredible.
-Miss Optimistic
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A Pool of Negativity
Hello Internet-
While the world sleeps, and I am wide awake...the only thing I can think of to do is turn to you. Lately, I have been paying attention to people and their starts to conversations. A majority start with a complain. "ugh this class." "I'm failing 2 classes" "Eh, my day is okay", the list goes on. With all of the continual negativity, it is no wonder why almost everyone here is either a dick or a bitch, to put it lightly. My bet is- you can't say more than 4 sentences without at least one of them being a complaint about your day so far, or about life right now. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it.
The negative energy thrives when around other negative energies. The positive ones have to struggle in order to keep at what they are doing, and to keep themselves them. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning in a pool of negativity. I have been struggling for breathes and anything to keep me afloat, and there hasn't been much to help me save myself from this insanity. Sometimes I wonder, can people see the good in anything?
Something is either good or bad, we have sinner and saint parties in college, something is either right or wrong. There is always a positive and a negative- but why? Why can't things be good and gooder, saint and saintier, right and righter? It's like we, as individuals, look for the bad in things to justify why we make decisions. I mean, yes I do complain sometimes, but GOD DAMN!!!! A complain is not the only thing to come out of my effing mouth. I am always looking for the good, and unfortunately, since people don't look for it as well, maybe they aren't seeing all of me.
A part of me feels this blog is next to useless...other than me just putting myself out there to look like an idiot to some of my friends who know who I am. I hope that people have found this, and appreciate what I am doing, but what am I doing? What is my point of all of this? I know I said in the beginning and in a few posts ago that it was for people to turn to- but is anyone even turning? I won't give up, I hope one day that people will find this and turn to it. In the mean time- I ramble on without really being able to help anyone...in a direct way. I may be helping people with my words and not even knowing it.
Anyway- my challenge to you Internet- is see the good in things. So you have 3 papers and 2 tests this week...stay level minded and just work your way through it bit by bit- it will get done.
My mom fell and split her knee open the other day because she was walking and texting. Her foot landed in a pot hole and well yea. After that- she said we all just need to slow down. We are constantly go go go and we forget to see the good in things. We look for the negative things that keep pulling us down, and then we are drowning. Tomorrow, where I am and a few other areas- is supposed to be rainy. Look past the rain, enjoy the day...and see the good in it.
-Miss Optimistic
While the world sleeps, and I am wide awake...the only thing I can think of to do is turn to you. Lately, I have been paying attention to people and their starts to conversations. A majority start with a complain. "ugh this class." "I'm failing 2 classes" "Eh, my day is okay", the list goes on. With all of the continual negativity, it is no wonder why almost everyone here is either a dick or a bitch, to put it lightly. My bet is- you can't say more than 4 sentences without at least one of them being a complaint about your day so far, or about life right now. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it.
The negative energy thrives when around other negative energies. The positive ones have to struggle in order to keep at what they are doing, and to keep themselves them. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning in a pool of negativity. I have been struggling for breathes and anything to keep me afloat, and there hasn't been much to help me save myself from this insanity. Sometimes I wonder, can people see the good in anything?
Something is either good or bad, we have sinner and saint parties in college, something is either right or wrong. There is always a positive and a negative- but why? Why can't things be good and gooder, saint and saintier, right and righter? It's like we, as individuals, look for the bad in things to justify why we make decisions. I mean, yes I do complain sometimes, but GOD DAMN!!!! A complain is not the only thing to come out of my effing mouth. I am always looking for the good, and unfortunately, since people don't look for it as well, maybe they aren't seeing all of me.
A part of me feels this blog is next to useless...other than me just putting myself out there to look like an idiot to some of my friends who know who I am. I hope that people have found this, and appreciate what I am doing, but what am I doing? What is my point of all of this? I know I said in the beginning and in a few posts ago that it was for people to turn to- but is anyone even turning? I won't give up, I hope one day that people will find this and turn to it. In the mean time- I ramble on without really being able to help anyone...in a direct way. I may be helping people with my words and not even knowing it.
Anyway- my challenge to you Internet- is see the good in things. So you have 3 papers and 2 tests this week...stay level minded and just work your way through it bit by bit- it will get done.
My mom fell and split her knee open the other day because she was walking and texting. Her foot landed in a pot hole and well yea. After that- she said we all just need to slow down. We are constantly go go go and we forget to see the good in things. We look for the negative things that keep pulling us down, and then we are drowning. Tomorrow, where I am and a few other areas- is supposed to be rainy. Look past the rain, enjoy the day...and see the good in it.
-Miss Optimistic
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Fate
Hello Internet:
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my past. When I went home about a month ago I got all my letters from my friend who went to jail and then got deported back to Mexico. I haven't touched them, I just for some reason felt I needed them here with me. He's crossed my mind quite a few times. I wonder how he is, what he does now, if he has found a girlfriend/lover, if he misses here, misses me. He was a huge part of my changes in life, and it's sad that I have no way to get in touch with him anymore. I vaguely remember one of his letters having his address, but how do I know if he even still lives there, let alone- how do I know he will receive it?
The world works in mysterious ways. We are pushed into situations we may either struggle through or slide easily through. The point is every situation we go through teaches us something. Maybe, I brought the letters to re-read them, so I could get in touch with him again. There are always possibilities of what could be going on, and why things are happening, but we don't need to know the answers why.
One of my residents, cause I'm a Resident Advisor, had her heart set on transferring. She thinks people don't get her anywhere she goes. I have put so much effort trying to get her involved so she could give this school the same chance I gave it. She always has attitude and it's obnoxious and immature. I told her she should go to expo- a chance to meet girls in all sororities- and she didn't want to go alone. I receive an e-mail afterward saying... so...I went...by myself. And I'm not interested. My roommate sucks. She didn't want to go and the only reason why she was going to is to show her parents that she was giving this school a chance. Oh and I found my dream school thanks to my program.
THAT STANKNESS CAN GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!! I hate pessimistic people they are sooo annoying. I bite my tongue every time I talk to her. I emailed her back and said I'm glad she went, and that I hope everything works out for her. She emails me back saying. NVM My parents wont let me transfer looks like I'm staying here.
WHAT THE FUCK?!??!?! Get over it.!! UGH! Oh my god, what a horrible place to be stuck in. probably because you are a horrible person and you have such a narrow mind that no one will get you! That was a little harsh- my point is! I e-mailed her back and said I was sorry, but maybe this is what was supposed to happen, that there is something here she has to do, or show someone else. I hope that you can let go of what has happened to you here and your negative outlook of this school.
Fate leads us in life to where we are supposed to be. Just take a leap of faith and trust you land on your feet. Enjoy the time while you can- it goes by quick.
-Miss Optimistic
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my past. When I went home about a month ago I got all my letters from my friend who went to jail and then got deported back to Mexico. I haven't touched them, I just for some reason felt I needed them here with me. He's crossed my mind quite a few times. I wonder how he is, what he does now, if he has found a girlfriend/lover, if he misses here, misses me. He was a huge part of my changes in life, and it's sad that I have no way to get in touch with him anymore. I vaguely remember one of his letters having his address, but how do I know if he even still lives there, let alone- how do I know he will receive it?
The world works in mysterious ways. We are pushed into situations we may either struggle through or slide easily through. The point is every situation we go through teaches us something. Maybe, I brought the letters to re-read them, so I could get in touch with him again. There are always possibilities of what could be going on, and why things are happening, but we don't need to know the answers why.
One of my residents, cause I'm a Resident Advisor, had her heart set on transferring. She thinks people don't get her anywhere she goes. I have put so much effort trying to get her involved so she could give this school the same chance I gave it. She always has attitude and it's obnoxious and immature. I told her she should go to expo- a chance to meet girls in all sororities- and she didn't want to go alone. I receive an e-mail afterward saying... so...I went...by myself. And I'm not interested. My roommate sucks. She didn't want to go and the only reason why she was going to is to show her parents that she was giving this school a chance. Oh and I found my dream school thanks to my program.
THAT STANKNESS CAN GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!! I hate pessimistic people they are sooo annoying. I bite my tongue every time I talk to her. I emailed her back and said I'm glad she went, and that I hope everything works out for her. She emails me back saying. NVM My parents wont let me transfer looks like I'm staying here.
WHAT THE FUCK?!??!?! Get over it.!! UGH! Oh my god, what a horrible place to be stuck in. probably because you are a horrible person and you have such a narrow mind that no one will get you! That was a little harsh- my point is! I e-mailed her back and said I was sorry, but maybe this is what was supposed to happen, that there is something here she has to do, or show someone else. I hope that you can let go of what has happened to you here and your negative outlook of this school.
Fate leads us in life to where we are supposed to be. Just take a leap of faith and trust you land on your feet. Enjoy the time while you can- it goes by quick.
-Miss Optimistic
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Simplicity
Hello Internet-
This post may be hard for some to read, the few who know who I am, but this blog is not necessarily for the people that are close to me. This blog is for those who need some sort of something to help them out of a situation or an issue. This blog is about me falling down and getting back up, me fucking up and dealing with the consequences, and me analyzing those around me and trying to understand actions that some people make. This blog is my voice, my heart, and my soul for all of you to read, so I apologize to those who this may affect, and who knows, maybe this will be good for some to finally see it all written out.
My ex is a poison. I have talked about him once or twice here, it's time to fully put him behind me. If he reads this...I don't know if he still even reads these, this is my final farewell to you, and thank you for finally making me realize what I am about to write.
This untouchable connection was shared between him and I. People would try and break it and we would come out stronger than ever. My best friend for 5 years, and then his way to repay me is to walk out. To let it all go, and that's when life started to get better. I met a new boy, my boyfriend now, I started growing up more, I felt better. Granted, as much shit as I talk about him sometimes and say he hurt me blah blah, I did a lot to him as well. I did a lot of fucked up things that I am surprised he stayed around for. The addictions, the bitchy mood swings, the depression, etc. He stood there and watched as I unwound myself emotionally into a ball on the floor, then watched as I started to rewind myself up. For a long time he was my friend, my sidekick, and a confidant.
I may be repeating myself a bit here, but last spring break, after he had been gone for about 4 months he texted me telling me he missed me. Honestly, a part of me was happy that he did. Because I hadn't thought about him in a month and a half to 2 months, it felt good to hear him basically say "I fucked up". Isn't that funny how GOOD it feels to hear "you are right"! Best saying in the world! :-)
Back on track: ever since then, it's been like high school was, an emotional roller coaster. I'd say I'm done. Not talk to him for a bit and then the cycle would repeat. First we talked for a bit, then we talked everyday, then multiple times a day, then almost all the time, and then it would start to affect my current relationship so I'd end it. "Rinse and repeat" basically. It took me losing nearly everything to realize how unimportant he was. How he really didn't mean that much to me as I had thought. That the idea of him was more important to me than the actual him.
I officially said I couldn't be his friend anymore, I didn't want to be his friend anymore. That he was ruining what I had fallen in love with, my boyfriend. He was poisoning the me and the best thing I have had in a long time. The other night I got very drunk. The first time I have had that much to drink in I don't know when. I got really sick and my boyfriend ended up having to take care of me for a little over 12 hours. The ex texted me that night. He said, "do you think about me at all? yes or no, I'm just really curious." My boyfriend told me to delete it, so I did...but the text kept repeating in my head over and over again. Did I miss him?
Let me take you back. The ex tried to get in touch with me again after I said I didn't want to be his friend. He repeatedly started taking jabs at my boyfriend and making fun of him becuase he knew I was with my boyfriend. I was furious. I yelled and screamed and told him he was soo fucked up and to never talk to me again...then this text.
So Internet, my question is, why do we think so much about things that just are dragging us down emotionally. That are soo exhausting we know it's affecting us but let it continue?
My ex hasn't left my mind since that text was sent to me. I didn't miss him. I didn't understand how he could disrespect me and hurt me so badly again. I didn't understand why he would text me again, to play with me? I was angry that he would try and fuck everything up again. I was soo confused. I was all these emotions and I didn't know how to handle it all. The only thing I could think of to do, was talk to a friend, and when he then left because he had to do other things...the last thing I could think of was talk to my boyfriend. I knew it was going to be a disaster, but I was optimistic, maybe he would understand that I was just soo confused and frustrated with the ex. He didn't understand at first.
Then it was a you're still in love with him. I didn't break up with you that one time cause I loved you so much. I'm such a good boyfriend to you I treat you soo well, and that fucker. The reason I forgave you then is becuase I didn't realize this fucker would come back up into conversation. etc.
The only thing I could say is you are my world. You are my everything, he means nothing to me I just don't understand! I wanted to be honest. etc.
Talking to Bubba (my boyfriend) about it almost lifted a weight off my shoulders. After that I couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation. I IMed a friend earlier said I've made a decision. He said,"whats that?"
What I said is this:
"I need to stop thinking about getting annoyed with the ex, becuase it's hindering all of my other relationships elsewhere. And all the people that love me and support me and are there for me are way more powerful than his games are. And I'm sticking to that...in case you were wondering."
He told me he was proud.
I said:
"I just need to let other people in and let other people help me through my issues, and understand that he doesn't have to be the one that helps me."
He said: "he's always been a fall back, but the benefits never outweighed the costs. I hate this topic because what I said never made a difference."
My response:
"What I've learned from all of my experiences is that you can tell someone something over and over again, but it won't happen until they believe it themselves. I understood what you, my mom, my sister, my girlfriends, and Bubba were saying..but I never really believed it or saw it. It's like he had almost brain washed me to think that he was the only one that could fix things... solely because I liked how he fixed things, and how I didn't have to do much for things to be fixed. But that's what I have realized; that didn't make him a good friend..it just made it all simple."
So Internet, Now that I have explained a lot and told a story, I ask you...why do we think simplicity is so good? Why are we afraid of actually having to explain ourselves and our issues. What is soo good about having something be simple? They say life isn't life unless it's hard. You have to work for the things in life that you want, why do we become so comfortable in simple things?
Honestly, I have no explanation for this idiotic habit we all have. We need to let go of the simple things in life. If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it. So Internet, my challenge to you is to challenge yourself, don't do something or be around someone because it's easy, do something becuase that's what matters to you.
I'm learning or trying to everyday.
-Miss Optimistic
This post may be hard for some to read, the few who know who I am, but this blog is not necessarily for the people that are close to me. This blog is for those who need some sort of something to help them out of a situation or an issue. This blog is about me falling down and getting back up, me fucking up and dealing with the consequences, and me analyzing those around me and trying to understand actions that some people make. This blog is my voice, my heart, and my soul for all of you to read, so I apologize to those who this may affect, and who knows, maybe this will be good for some to finally see it all written out.
My ex is a poison. I have talked about him once or twice here, it's time to fully put him behind me. If he reads this...I don't know if he still even reads these, this is my final farewell to you, and thank you for finally making me realize what I am about to write.
This untouchable connection was shared between him and I. People would try and break it and we would come out stronger than ever. My best friend for 5 years, and then his way to repay me is to walk out. To let it all go, and that's when life started to get better. I met a new boy, my boyfriend now, I started growing up more, I felt better. Granted, as much shit as I talk about him sometimes and say he hurt me blah blah, I did a lot to him as well. I did a lot of fucked up things that I am surprised he stayed around for. The addictions, the bitchy mood swings, the depression, etc. He stood there and watched as I unwound myself emotionally into a ball on the floor, then watched as I started to rewind myself up. For a long time he was my friend, my sidekick, and a confidant.
I may be repeating myself a bit here, but last spring break, after he had been gone for about 4 months he texted me telling me he missed me. Honestly, a part of me was happy that he did. Because I hadn't thought about him in a month and a half to 2 months, it felt good to hear him basically say "I fucked up". Isn't that funny how GOOD it feels to hear "you are right"! Best saying in the world! :-)
Back on track: ever since then, it's been like high school was, an emotional roller coaster. I'd say I'm done. Not talk to him for a bit and then the cycle would repeat. First we talked for a bit, then we talked everyday, then multiple times a day, then almost all the time, and then it would start to affect my current relationship so I'd end it. "Rinse and repeat" basically. It took me losing nearly everything to realize how unimportant he was. How he really didn't mean that much to me as I had thought. That the idea of him was more important to me than the actual him.
I officially said I couldn't be his friend anymore, I didn't want to be his friend anymore. That he was ruining what I had fallen in love with, my boyfriend. He was poisoning the me and the best thing I have had in a long time. The other night I got very drunk. The first time I have had that much to drink in I don't know when. I got really sick and my boyfriend ended up having to take care of me for a little over 12 hours. The ex texted me that night. He said, "do you think about me at all? yes or no, I'm just really curious." My boyfriend told me to delete it, so I did...but the text kept repeating in my head over and over again. Did I miss him?
Let me take you back. The ex tried to get in touch with me again after I said I didn't want to be his friend. He repeatedly started taking jabs at my boyfriend and making fun of him becuase he knew I was with my boyfriend. I was furious. I yelled and screamed and told him he was soo fucked up and to never talk to me again...then this text.
So Internet, my question is, why do we think so much about things that just are dragging us down emotionally. That are soo exhausting we know it's affecting us but let it continue?
My ex hasn't left my mind since that text was sent to me. I didn't miss him. I didn't understand how he could disrespect me and hurt me so badly again. I didn't understand why he would text me again, to play with me? I was angry that he would try and fuck everything up again. I was soo confused. I was all these emotions and I didn't know how to handle it all. The only thing I could think of to do, was talk to a friend, and when he then left because he had to do other things...the last thing I could think of was talk to my boyfriend. I knew it was going to be a disaster, but I was optimistic, maybe he would understand that I was just soo confused and frustrated with the ex. He didn't understand at first.
Then it was a you're still in love with him. I didn't break up with you that one time cause I loved you so much. I'm such a good boyfriend to you I treat you soo well, and that fucker. The reason I forgave you then is becuase I didn't realize this fucker would come back up into conversation. etc.
The only thing I could say is you are my world. You are my everything, he means nothing to me I just don't understand! I wanted to be honest. etc.
Talking to Bubba (my boyfriend) about it almost lifted a weight off my shoulders. After that I couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation. I IMed a friend earlier said I've made a decision. He said,"whats that?"
What I said is this:
"I need to stop thinking about getting annoyed with the ex, becuase it's hindering all of my other relationships elsewhere. And all the people that love me and support me and are there for me are way more powerful than his games are. And I'm sticking to that...in case you were wondering."
He told me he was proud.
I said:
"I just need to let other people in and let other people help me through my issues, and understand that he doesn't have to be the one that helps me."
He said: "he's always been a fall back, but the benefits never outweighed the costs. I hate this topic because what I said never made a difference."
My response:
"What I've learned from all of my experiences is that you can tell someone something over and over again, but it won't happen until they believe it themselves. I understood what you, my mom, my sister, my girlfriends, and Bubba were saying..but I never really believed it or saw it. It's like he had almost brain washed me to think that he was the only one that could fix things... solely because I liked how he fixed things, and how I didn't have to do much for things to be fixed. But that's what I have realized; that didn't make him a good friend..it just made it all simple."
So Internet, Now that I have explained a lot and told a story, I ask you...why do we think simplicity is so good? Why are we afraid of actually having to explain ourselves and our issues. What is soo good about having something be simple? They say life isn't life unless it's hard. You have to work for the things in life that you want, why do we become so comfortable in simple things?
Honestly, I have no explanation for this idiotic habit we all have. We need to let go of the simple things in life. If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it. So Internet, my challenge to you is to challenge yourself, don't do something or be around someone because it's easy, do something becuase that's what matters to you.
I'm learning or trying to everyday.
-Miss Optimistic
Friday, October 22, 2010
Secrets
Hello Internet-
I know I keep writing and then disappearing for a while, but my biggest pet peve is repeating myself, and I want new good ideas, and not the same old posts I have been talking about.
Frank Warren- owner of Post Secret came and talked at my University. Incredible by the way, he said he's going all over so keep an eye out, and look for his name. His talk inspired me. I sat on it for a few days, when it hit me. There is not one thing that I consider a "secret" in my life. Sure I have my dark times, but there is not one thing I haven't told anyone about or talked about. This bothers me. I'm sure there is something, why can't I think of my secrets?
Frank talked about how sometimes we don't keep the secrets- our secrets keep us. What if my secrets are keeping me? Because, I don't think I have any real secrets. What if, Internet, we have hidden these secrets soo deep down, that we can't even recognize them as secrets. We have left them there to just dissolve and be forgotten about. How does this help us? How can we move on if we can't face it.
That's my biggest fear. I talked to my boyfriend about Warren's talk, and he told me about his deepest secret he was hiding from me a while ago, but I don't think that I have anything that deep and dark that is so locked up and so controlled by my heart and mind. But I wonder if maybe that's why I am who I am- maybe there really is no secret.
While in Ecuador this summer, I met a woman, an incredible woman. She talked about her family like it was no big deal. I wanted to cry or scream, because I was sitting there dealing with an asshole father, and had been having nightmares about him just leaving me or not wanting me anymore. I told her how much I envied how she could talk so openly about her past. She told me, "I am not ashamed of my past. It has made me who I am, and I can only be thankful for that." A few weeks later on my trip- I told now two of my really good friends about the whole situation. That my father had another home, another place that he had been lying about. He had bought it from his secretary who may or may not have been having an affair with for the past 10 years. I have stood up for him and looked up to him for so long thanking him for supporting the family and sacrificing his time to give to us, and then all of that came crashing down. But once I opened up to someone in Ecuador, my nightmares stopped. I had opened my closet and let the skeletons out and it felt SOOO good.
Why must we feel closing up and hiding things is easier? Because, it's not. These secrets haunt us, and they are constantly coming back to bite us in the butt. The only way to get through these times is to face them. Embrace our secrets and embrace others' secrets as well.
I realized that this is my reason for this blog. Maybe by me putting what I have been through and my advice in a public place for free...maybe, just maybe, I can touch people and show people- they are not alone; just like Frank Warren has done with his post cards and collection of secrets. If you haven't heard of his cite- I suggest you click on the link above and check it out. He has touched millions, and that is something so incredible, that is something I want to do one day.
My point Internet- in the words of Eminem- "I'm cleanin' out my closet". Don't lock these secrets up. It'll only tear you up on the inside. Be open, be honest, and understand others could possibly be going through what you are going through.
-Miss Optimistic
I know I keep writing and then disappearing for a while, but my biggest pet peve is repeating myself, and I want new good ideas, and not the same old posts I have been talking about.
Frank Warren- owner of Post Secret came and talked at my University. Incredible by the way, he said he's going all over so keep an eye out, and look for his name. His talk inspired me. I sat on it for a few days, when it hit me. There is not one thing that I consider a "secret" in my life. Sure I have my dark times, but there is not one thing I haven't told anyone about or talked about. This bothers me. I'm sure there is something, why can't I think of my secrets?
Frank talked about how sometimes we don't keep the secrets- our secrets keep us. What if my secrets are keeping me? Because, I don't think I have any real secrets. What if, Internet, we have hidden these secrets soo deep down, that we can't even recognize them as secrets. We have left them there to just dissolve and be forgotten about. How does this help us? How can we move on if we can't face it.
That's my biggest fear. I talked to my boyfriend about Warren's talk, and he told me about his deepest secret he was hiding from me a while ago, but I don't think that I have anything that deep and dark that is so locked up and so controlled by my heart and mind. But I wonder if maybe that's why I am who I am- maybe there really is no secret.
While in Ecuador this summer, I met a woman, an incredible woman. She talked about her family like it was no big deal. I wanted to cry or scream, because I was sitting there dealing with an asshole father, and had been having nightmares about him just leaving me or not wanting me anymore. I told her how much I envied how she could talk so openly about her past. She told me, "I am not ashamed of my past. It has made me who I am, and I can only be thankful for that." A few weeks later on my trip- I told now two of my really good friends about the whole situation. That my father had another home, another place that he had been lying about. He had bought it from his secretary who may or may not have been having an affair with for the past 10 years. I have stood up for him and looked up to him for so long thanking him for supporting the family and sacrificing his time to give to us, and then all of that came crashing down. But once I opened up to someone in Ecuador, my nightmares stopped. I had opened my closet and let the skeletons out and it felt SOOO good.
Why must we feel closing up and hiding things is easier? Because, it's not. These secrets haunt us, and they are constantly coming back to bite us in the butt. The only way to get through these times is to face them. Embrace our secrets and embrace others' secrets as well.
I realized that this is my reason for this blog. Maybe by me putting what I have been through and my advice in a public place for free...maybe, just maybe, I can touch people and show people- they are not alone; just like Frank Warren has done with his post cards and collection of secrets. If you haven't heard of his cite- I suggest you click on the link above and check it out. He has touched millions, and that is something so incredible, that is something I want to do one day.
My point Internet- in the words of Eminem- "I'm cleanin' out my closet". Don't lock these secrets up. It'll only tear you up on the inside. Be open, be honest, and understand others could possibly be going through what you are going through.
-Miss Optimistic
Saturday, October 9, 2010
An Assignment I had to do.
Hello Internet-
A paper I had to write for class- Some of you may find it helpful/interesting. :-)
Fall into the Truth
Where to even start, is all I can think while trying to start this paper. There are so many approaches one could take to start it, to end it, or to build it up, and how do I know if it’s right? Which brings me to my next question, how do we know our knowledge is right? This paper is the second draft I have written about knowledge. I loved my introduction to the first one, but the whole paper didn’t seem good enough. It seemed awkward and choppy, and to me it didn’t make sense; I loved the topics raised in the last paper, but didn’t like the paper itself, because it didn’t feel right. Isn’t that weird, how you just know something isn’t right? That’s how I got my knowledge; I just kind of fell into it. Well, not really. I actually did a whole lot of wrong to get me the truths I was so blinded to. Knowledge is all about experience. Knowledge is justified belief. Do we justify it, or does society? For me, I justify my own beliefs, and this paper will explain why. Professor Rodriguez told us to be as honest as we could throughout this piece, and that is what I plan to do; in order to be as honest as possible, I need to start at the beginning.
I always thought I knew everything, I guess adolescence does that to us. We get cocky and smart with other people. My mom, my sisters, and my teachers could lecture me all they wanted about drugs, sex, or life, and my responses would always be, “yea, okay, I already know this.” The truth is, which was later brought to my attention, I didn’t. I knew little to nothing, but I put up this huge front, which was my first major mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t say mistake, my first lesson, because there are no mistakes in life, there are only lessons or things that happen that are supposed to show us or teach us something. We grow from our mistakes and we learn from them. So, a mistake is never a negative thing unless of course harm is caused to others, for example drunk driving.
Unfortunately, negativity swept over me the minute I realized I really didn’t know anything. And, of course being a teenager I didn’t want to admit it. That was the first time I cut myself. The burden of actually not knowing killed me on the inside. I guess I just wanted to grow up too fast, and know everything, but I was rushing something that I had no control over. It felt good. Every time I cut, it was like an escape. At this time, this was the only knowledge I had. This pain and this suffering was my way of telling people I was in control but I really had no idea what the hell I was doing.
My older sister cut, and I guess that’s where I got the idea that it was okay. We go through life constantly asking all these questions, because we feel we need to have the answers. When I didn’t have the answers, I couldn’t handle it. And the knowledge I had was to release it. My best friend at the time was so smart. I was so good at hiding the marks, and then one day I thought it was a long sleeved sweater and it was three quarter lengths. That day was the first time I started getting my knowledge back. My friend told the guidance center what she saw, even though I assured her I was handling it and it was stopping, and then the school called my mom. For weeks I was seeing a social worker and a therapist once a week. Because of her, she gave me another chance to receive the answers I was so desperate to find.
Drama at school exploded, and my mom sent me to Prague with my sister who was performing at a club there. She wanted me away from the school and just some time to handle my thoughts and get myself together. This trip is where I thought I learned all my knowledge. My oldest sister is so wise, so mature, so knowledgeable, and she received all of this knowledge through experience. On this trip she told me about her struggles too, about how she had trouble in school and was sucked into drugs, but realized they were not the answer. Seeing how happy and knowledgeable she was, she had made it through; I knew I had to listen. I knew there was more I needed to learn and benefit from her mistakes. .
I came back a whole new girl. I graduated from high school a semester early, because I knew that my high school was not for me. Let me clarify, my high school was 99.5% white, middle upper class, where differences were not really accepted; instead you would get bullied for your differences. I knew it was bringing me down. I knew the catty girls and the drama were ripping me apart inside. The last semester of high school was the best four months of my life. I knew I was leaving a place I hated; I knew I would be okay and free, Prague had taught me that. I got a job as a waitress at a fine dining restaurant by my house, and followed in my other older sister’s footsteps. She warned me, there are a lot of drugs there. She told my mom she didn’t want me working there, and I said it’s okay I am strong I won’t give in. I told myself that for about a month, but I gave in.
Knowledge is iffy, because if we justify it ourselves, then anything we do or think is right. But the best knowledge is the truth that we justify. From about sixth grade till when I graduated I was being taught every year about the side effects of drugs and cigarettes, and I just didn’t care. In my head, I had it all under control and I was just having some fun. I was experimenting. I was killing myself emotionally is what I was doing. For these reasons I think that knowledge doesn’t come from being taught information. I could verbatim tell you the side effects I had been taught of pills, of uppers, of downers, of underage drinking, or of smoking cigarettes; but none of that mattered. Why? I can’t give a justified reason other than I really thought I knew what I was doing.
My new best friend at the restaurant literally turned into my drug buddy. That’s all we would do when we were together, is get high. After a month or so, those habits turned into my knowledge. They turned into my justified truths. I needed the pills to be calm, because without them I was on edge, I felt like I was living in a tunnel, and I just didn’t like life without them. Knowledge is adjustable, it constantly is changing and adapting to the individual. I shut myself out of life. I became consumed in a world that was so dark and numb, and looking back, I don’t know why I felt so happy there. I was rude and irritable 24/7. I would argue with my mom all the time, because she didn’t understand, and I stopped talking to all my friends because they didn’t understand. No one understood except my friend and me. This was my next major mistake.
My knowledge and my world were consumed by my job. I slept till I worked because that was my new “home”. When I wasn’t working I would visit, because I had nowhere else to go. I had no more answers, but I had no more questions either. I had lost all the knowledge I had gained previously, and that’s what hurt the most. I started dating a guy there, he worked in banquets and I was a waitress. I promised him over and over I would stop drugs, stop the lying, and stop the games, but I couldn’t. My friend at the time decided to tell this guy that I was cheating and messing around with other guys at work, a few days after I had told him we needed some space. He didn’t like that, nor was it true. He called me that night yelling and screaming, and I tried telling him the truth. I guess I was really that far gone, that I had even been lying to myself. I had lost all sense of hope and security, most importantly; I had no one to turn to.
The next day he came up to me when I got to work and was yelling and screaming at me. I decided to quit right then and there. I went in, tears running down my face and told my boss take me off the schedule; I was done. That’s the only thing that I did know, is I needed to get the hell away from that place. I don’t know why I knew that, but that was the only thing that felt right to me at the time. Get away from the connections, the dealers, the drama, the numbness, and just leave. Carlos, the guy I was seeing, was my wake up call. He got arrested that night just from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and about a month later was deported back to Mexico. When my boss told me, I was really lost. He was the only one that understood why I was doing what I was doing, he understood and I never had to say a word. He was my guardian angel, looking after me and I didn’t even know it.
I got home, went straight to my room and fell to the soft carpet. I couldn’t even hold back the emotion. I held my knees and rocked back and forth, my body shaking and aching uncontrollably. At this moment, I knew I had hit my all time low, and I knew I was truly alone. I felt all of these emotions at once, and I knew nothing. All I knew was I was slowly destroying my body and myself, and for so long I hadn’t cared. We may be informed of subjects, but when do we know how knowledgeable we really are on them? I realized later that my knowledge was so skewed and wrong, that I had been justifying reasons to get high, to smoke, and to hurt myself. Knowledge in adolescence is hard to obtain, but we all possess some sort of understanding of the world. Whether it is dark and dreary or light and optimistic. It took me hitting rock bottom to obtain the knowledge I have now, and my knowledge is the most valuable thing I own today.
Through experience we just fall into truths. We are taught for years to not have unprotected sex, and to always wear a condom, yet teen pregnancy seems to be more accepted now then ever. I mean we now have shows following teens around and showing the struggles or joys of being a teen mom. A lot of people have not experienced a lot of different, and that’s where I feel the world’s knowledge is so far off. Has everyone fallen into a drug addiction? Has everyone gotten so lost that they chose to cut? No, so how can the world teach us about topics it hasn’t even been through? Because let’s face it, I give the best advice on the things I have struggled through.
My friend, David, who stopped talking to me because of the drugs, told me finally to read this book. He said it helped him when he was a dealer and losing his knowledge. The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is my Bible. It’s what sparked the knowledge I have now. The idea that we create our lives, and all we have to do is put it out into the universe for it to come back to us. This book had all the answers I had been looking for, and I think that may be a reason why people find so much faith and belief in the Bible, and hence why this book is my Bible. I found faith and belief in this author’s words and thoughts. The book justified my beliefs, just like the Bible justifies others’ beliefs.
It is always hard coming to terms with the truth, and it’s never easy admitting what we try so hard to deny. I denied and denied that I was an addict, because I didn’t want to be. But the minute I came to terms with the issue, was the moment I received my knowledge back. A lot of the time, it seems that when others lose their knowledge, they let it stay lost. They lose themselves and everything that goes along with them, and don’t know how to get the truth back. People seem to not want to or can’t come to terms with reality, and that’s where their knowledge becomes vulnerable. They don’t want it to be true so they ignore whatever is going on, and lose light of their truths. They hide from the truth and take cover under the lies that have become reality.
Honestly, knowledge is hard to define. The best way for me to explain what it means to me is that it’s obtained through experience and is the lessons we learn from these experiences. We are continually gaining and losing knowledge, because we continue to experience. Right now, about a year after I felt I had lost it all, I am now experiencing life at a whole new level. I completely turned my life around, and am experiencing and living life as best I can. Knowledge is appreciating life, appreciating people, and appreciating everything in general. Knowledge can be perspective, because someone else who hands in this paper may see knowledge as being something completely different. They may see it as the understanding of material. That knowledge is gained through learning in school. Every definition of knowledge is right, because like I said earlier, it is justified belief. As long as we feel it, it’s right.
Once we obtain a good base of knowledge, we then start to listen to our subconscious. It will tell us if we are doing something right or wrong, it will give us an insight to what we should or shouldn’t do. Knowledge is there to guide us through life because everything happens for a reason. Because of these reasons I now feel my knowledge is reliable. I know when or where to stop, I know what is right or wrong, and this knowledge is all in my heart. In some ways, these reasons could make my knowledge vulnerable. There is no outline to my knowledge, it just is, and I live life based off of what I know. Other people don’t seem to do that. They live life off of what they want to do, not what they know. That’s why I became lost, that’s why more teens are getting pregnant, and that’s why all of these uncertainties flood people’s lives, because they do what they want to do.
Every action we do has consequences, whether they are good or bad. Therefore our knowledge can have good and bad consequences as well. My knowledge is more advanced than a lot of people my age; I have experienced and lived a lot more than I thought I was going to. People are constantly telling me I am wiser beyond my almost 20 years, so, when people come to me for advice, I have a lot more to say and a lot more options for what they can do. The best consequence is that knowledge is about giving; we shouldn’t keep our knowledge to ourselves. We need to spread it and teach others what we struggled to find. Because of things we have been through, we can help others get through them in a better way than we did. Knowledge is about living. People live their lives, but not in a knowledgeable way. How can we fix this? How do we get people to retain the knowledge our parents, teachers, siblings, and or friends try to teach us? All we can do is try to teach; the knowledgeable will listen, and the others will figure it out on their own.
My family has taught me to figure one thing out on my own, to love with all of your heart. Find someone you trust, love, can’t do without and hold on to them. For practically my whole life I have grown up around arguments, verbal abuse, and vulnerability. The last ten years have been my dad emotionally and physically abandoning the family. Always “working” and providing for the family he says. My mom raised me, and taught me not to do physical or emotional harm to others, that giving makes others feel good so I learn to give, and give all of me. This lesson hasn’t always benefited me, because people thought they could step all over me, use me, or bully me. Not everyone has come from the same background, but our backgrounds and experiences have taught us what we know now.
I know who I am, and I know where I have been. I am not ashamed of my past; I embrace it. I have learned and continue to learn a lot from my mom and those around me. She has so much knowledge, and tries to share it with my sisters and I; now that we are knowledgeable, we listen. Now that we understand, and have tested our understanding of the world, we listen. I think that’s what adolescence is all about though, experimenting and testing the world till we figure out our own meanings. And that’s what I did, that’s what the world does. We try new things or try new ways, and eventually we will end up where we are supposed to be in life, and maybe that life isn’t as long as we had hoped. Some people get so lost they do irreparable harm to themselves, but maybe they have learned all they can. Their reason for doing so is to teach the people around them to wake up, soak in the knowledge, and live life.
Another thing, life is never easy. Every day we are challenged, tempted, and confused. That’s what makes my knowledge so special to me. I had to work really hard to finally receive it, and I’m still not done experiencing. Our lives are built off of knowledge; we don’t necessarily need to understand we just need to know. We don’t need to know why things are happening; we just need to know that it was supposed to happen. People may want to know the reasons behind events that occur, because the situation probably isn’t normal or isn’t what society has set up for us to believe is supposed to happen. The one question I would always ask myself is, “why is this happening to me?” I never understood, and I still don’t understand. I just know that I had to go through addictions, struggles, and overcoming all of them in order to be who I am and to be where I am.
On that note, the media doesn’t help people obtain knowledge. The media helps build a fake knowledge that people see to be true; in other words, they justify fake beliefs. They teach girls they need to be a size two in order to be pretty, it teaches us that acne is ugly, and it teaches us that we need to dress a certain way to “fit in” or be “normal”. But what I wonder is, when was this decided to be the world’s justified belief, and who decides these truths? So, when does it stop? When do we start accumulating our knowledge instead of having it go in one ear and out the other? When did it become acceptable for people to do wrong, when we know we should be doing right? Is it because that’s all they know, or is it because they just really don’t care? Does our own personal knowledge affect what we do, and if so how can we prove this?
I could sit here all night typing this paper about why I understand where most of the world today gets their “knowledge”, because I really don’t. I could talk about my knowledge and how I got my knowledge all night, but regardless some people just won’t listen. It’s like…what’s one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. We are so quick to forget and we all take so much for granted it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what people see as knowledge, because now a days it seems people are forgetting to think before they do. But let’s be honest, as this paper has been as honest as I can make it, we really should just go off of our own knowledge. The world and society makes up a lot of rules, laws, ideals, morals, etc. that we should follow, but who is to say that these rules, laws, ideals, morals etc. are right? I mean, many of them are right, but some of them, like it’s illegal for partners of same sex in some states to get married is not fair, nor is it right. The world’s knowledge is a lot of perspective and what they think is best for the world, but do they really know what is best for 7 billion people?
My knowledge tells me to follow my heart and what I feel is right, because as you have learned, from what I know now, have done a lot of wrongs. But that’s okay; those wrongs brought me here, Syracuse University. I have done everything in my power to turn my life around and be the best I can be. My knowledge is my treasure, it is something I appreciate everyday, why shouldn’t I? I know how it feels to feel like you have absolutely no knowledge at all. So now all I can do is embrace life and use the knowledge I have gained through experience to guide me to where I want to be, and help others along the way.
As always,
-Miss Optimistic
A paper I had to write for class- Some of you may find it helpful/interesting. :-)
Fall into the Truth
Where to even start, is all I can think while trying to start this paper. There are so many approaches one could take to start it, to end it, or to build it up, and how do I know if it’s right? Which brings me to my next question, how do we know our knowledge is right? This paper is the second draft I have written about knowledge. I loved my introduction to the first one, but the whole paper didn’t seem good enough. It seemed awkward and choppy, and to me it didn’t make sense; I loved the topics raised in the last paper, but didn’t like the paper itself, because it didn’t feel right. Isn’t that weird, how you just know something isn’t right? That’s how I got my knowledge; I just kind of fell into it. Well, not really. I actually did a whole lot of wrong to get me the truths I was so blinded to. Knowledge is all about experience. Knowledge is justified belief. Do we justify it, or does society? For me, I justify my own beliefs, and this paper will explain why. Professor Rodriguez told us to be as honest as we could throughout this piece, and that is what I plan to do; in order to be as honest as possible, I need to start at the beginning.
I always thought I knew everything, I guess adolescence does that to us. We get cocky and smart with other people. My mom, my sisters, and my teachers could lecture me all they wanted about drugs, sex, or life, and my responses would always be, “yea, okay, I already know this.” The truth is, which was later brought to my attention, I didn’t. I knew little to nothing, but I put up this huge front, which was my first major mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t say mistake, my first lesson, because there are no mistakes in life, there are only lessons or things that happen that are supposed to show us or teach us something. We grow from our mistakes and we learn from them. So, a mistake is never a negative thing unless of course harm is caused to others, for example drunk driving.
Unfortunately, negativity swept over me the minute I realized I really didn’t know anything. And, of course being a teenager I didn’t want to admit it. That was the first time I cut myself. The burden of actually not knowing killed me on the inside. I guess I just wanted to grow up too fast, and know everything, but I was rushing something that I had no control over. It felt good. Every time I cut, it was like an escape. At this time, this was the only knowledge I had. This pain and this suffering was my way of telling people I was in control but I really had no idea what the hell I was doing.
My older sister cut, and I guess that’s where I got the idea that it was okay. We go through life constantly asking all these questions, because we feel we need to have the answers. When I didn’t have the answers, I couldn’t handle it. And the knowledge I had was to release it. My best friend at the time was so smart. I was so good at hiding the marks, and then one day I thought it was a long sleeved sweater and it was three quarter lengths. That day was the first time I started getting my knowledge back. My friend told the guidance center what she saw, even though I assured her I was handling it and it was stopping, and then the school called my mom. For weeks I was seeing a social worker and a therapist once a week. Because of her, she gave me another chance to receive the answers I was so desperate to find.
Drama at school exploded, and my mom sent me to Prague with my sister who was performing at a club there. She wanted me away from the school and just some time to handle my thoughts and get myself together. This trip is where I thought I learned all my knowledge. My oldest sister is so wise, so mature, so knowledgeable, and she received all of this knowledge through experience. On this trip she told me about her struggles too, about how she had trouble in school and was sucked into drugs, but realized they were not the answer. Seeing how happy and knowledgeable she was, she had made it through; I knew I had to listen. I knew there was more I needed to learn and benefit from her mistakes. .
I came back a whole new girl. I graduated from high school a semester early, because I knew that my high school was not for me. Let me clarify, my high school was 99.5% white, middle upper class, where differences were not really accepted; instead you would get bullied for your differences. I knew it was bringing me down. I knew the catty girls and the drama were ripping me apart inside. The last semester of high school was the best four months of my life. I knew I was leaving a place I hated; I knew I would be okay and free, Prague had taught me that. I got a job as a waitress at a fine dining restaurant by my house, and followed in my other older sister’s footsteps. She warned me, there are a lot of drugs there. She told my mom she didn’t want me working there, and I said it’s okay I am strong I won’t give in. I told myself that for about a month, but I gave in.
Knowledge is iffy, because if we justify it ourselves, then anything we do or think is right. But the best knowledge is the truth that we justify. From about sixth grade till when I graduated I was being taught every year about the side effects of drugs and cigarettes, and I just didn’t care. In my head, I had it all under control and I was just having some fun. I was experimenting. I was killing myself emotionally is what I was doing. For these reasons I think that knowledge doesn’t come from being taught information. I could verbatim tell you the side effects I had been taught of pills, of uppers, of downers, of underage drinking, or of smoking cigarettes; but none of that mattered. Why? I can’t give a justified reason other than I really thought I knew what I was doing.
My new best friend at the restaurant literally turned into my drug buddy. That’s all we would do when we were together, is get high. After a month or so, those habits turned into my knowledge. They turned into my justified truths. I needed the pills to be calm, because without them I was on edge, I felt like I was living in a tunnel, and I just didn’t like life without them. Knowledge is adjustable, it constantly is changing and adapting to the individual. I shut myself out of life. I became consumed in a world that was so dark and numb, and looking back, I don’t know why I felt so happy there. I was rude and irritable 24/7. I would argue with my mom all the time, because she didn’t understand, and I stopped talking to all my friends because they didn’t understand. No one understood except my friend and me. This was my next major mistake.
My knowledge and my world were consumed by my job. I slept till I worked because that was my new “home”. When I wasn’t working I would visit, because I had nowhere else to go. I had no more answers, but I had no more questions either. I had lost all the knowledge I had gained previously, and that’s what hurt the most. I started dating a guy there, he worked in banquets and I was a waitress. I promised him over and over I would stop drugs, stop the lying, and stop the games, but I couldn’t. My friend at the time decided to tell this guy that I was cheating and messing around with other guys at work, a few days after I had told him we needed some space. He didn’t like that, nor was it true. He called me that night yelling and screaming, and I tried telling him the truth. I guess I was really that far gone, that I had even been lying to myself. I had lost all sense of hope and security, most importantly; I had no one to turn to.
The next day he came up to me when I got to work and was yelling and screaming at me. I decided to quit right then and there. I went in, tears running down my face and told my boss take me off the schedule; I was done. That’s the only thing that I did know, is I needed to get the hell away from that place. I don’t know why I knew that, but that was the only thing that felt right to me at the time. Get away from the connections, the dealers, the drama, the numbness, and just leave. Carlos, the guy I was seeing, was my wake up call. He got arrested that night just from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and about a month later was deported back to Mexico. When my boss told me, I was really lost. He was the only one that understood why I was doing what I was doing, he understood and I never had to say a word. He was my guardian angel, looking after me and I didn’t even know it.
I got home, went straight to my room and fell to the soft carpet. I couldn’t even hold back the emotion. I held my knees and rocked back and forth, my body shaking and aching uncontrollably. At this moment, I knew I had hit my all time low, and I knew I was truly alone. I felt all of these emotions at once, and I knew nothing. All I knew was I was slowly destroying my body and myself, and for so long I hadn’t cared. We may be informed of subjects, but when do we know how knowledgeable we really are on them? I realized later that my knowledge was so skewed and wrong, that I had been justifying reasons to get high, to smoke, and to hurt myself. Knowledge in adolescence is hard to obtain, but we all possess some sort of understanding of the world. Whether it is dark and dreary or light and optimistic. It took me hitting rock bottom to obtain the knowledge I have now, and my knowledge is the most valuable thing I own today.
Through experience we just fall into truths. We are taught for years to not have unprotected sex, and to always wear a condom, yet teen pregnancy seems to be more accepted now then ever. I mean we now have shows following teens around and showing the struggles or joys of being a teen mom. A lot of people have not experienced a lot of different, and that’s where I feel the world’s knowledge is so far off. Has everyone fallen into a drug addiction? Has everyone gotten so lost that they chose to cut? No, so how can the world teach us about topics it hasn’t even been through? Because let’s face it, I give the best advice on the things I have struggled through.
My friend, David, who stopped talking to me because of the drugs, told me finally to read this book. He said it helped him when he was a dealer and losing his knowledge. The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is my Bible. It’s what sparked the knowledge I have now. The idea that we create our lives, and all we have to do is put it out into the universe for it to come back to us. This book had all the answers I had been looking for, and I think that may be a reason why people find so much faith and belief in the Bible, and hence why this book is my Bible. I found faith and belief in this author’s words and thoughts. The book justified my beliefs, just like the Bible justifies others’ beliefs.
It is always hard coming to terms with the truth, and it’s never easy admitting what we try so hard to deny. I denied and denied that I was an addict, because I didn’t want to be. But the minute I came to terms with the issue, was the moment I received my knowledge back. A lot of the time, it seems that when others lose their knowledge, they let it stay lost. They lose themselves and everything that goes along with them, and don’t know how to get the truth back. People seem to not want to or can’t come to terms with reality, and that’s where their knowledge becomes vulnerable. They don’t want it to be true so they ignore whatever is going on, and lose light of their truths. They hide from the truth and take cover under the lies that have become reality.
Honestly, knowledge is hard to define. The best way for me to explain what it means to me is that it’s obtained through experience and is the lessons we learn from these experiences. We are continually gaining and losing knowledge, because we continue to experience. Right now, about a year after I felt I had lost it all, I am now experiencing life at a whole new level. I completely turned my life around, and am experiencing and living life as best I can. Knowledge is appreciating life, appreciating people, and appreciating everything in general. Knowledge can be perspective, because someone else who hands in this paper may see knowledge as being something completely different. They may see it as the understanding of material. That knowledge is gained through learning in school. Every definition of knowledge is right, because like I said earlier, it is justified belief. As long as we feel it, it’s right.
Once we obtain a good base of knowledge, we then start to listen to our subconscious. It will tell us if we are doing something right or wrong, it will give us an insight to what we should or shouldn’t do. Knowledge is there to guide us through life because everything happens for a reason. Because of these reasons I now feel my knowledge is reliable. I know when or where to stop, I know what is right or wrong, and this knowledge is all in my heart. In some ways, these reasons could make my knowledge vulnerable. There is no outline to my knowledge, it just is, and I live life based off of what I know. Other people don’t seem to do that. They live life off of what they want to do, not what they know. That’s why I became lost, that’s why more teens are getting pregnant, and that’s why all of these uncertainties flood people’s lives, because they do what they want to do.
Every action we do has consequences, whether they are good or bad. Therefore our knowledge can have good and bad consequences as well. My knowledge is more advanced than a lot of people my age; I have experienced and lived a lot more than I thought I was going to. People are constantly telling me I am wiser beyond my almost 20 years, so, when people come to me for advice, I have a lot more to say and a lot more options for what they can do. The best consequence is that knowledge is about giving; we shouldn’t keep our knowledge to ourselves. We need to spread it and teach others what we struggled to find. Because of things we have been through, we can help others get through them in a better way than we did. Knowledge is about living. People live their lives, but not in a knowledgeable way. How can we fix this? How do we get people to retain the knowledge our parents, teachers, siblings, and or friends try to teach us? All we can do is try to teach; the knowledgeable will listen, and the others will figure it out on their own.
My family has taught me to figure one thing out on my own, to love with all of your heart. Find someone you trust, love, can’t do without and hold on to them. For practically my whole life I have grown up around arguments, verbal abuse, and vulnerability. The last ten years have been my dad emotionally and physically abandoning the family. Always “working” and providing for the family he says. My mom raised me, and taught me not to do physical or emotional harm to others, that giving makes others feel good so I learn to give, and give all of me. This lesson hasn’t always benefited me, because people thought they could step all over me, use me, or bully me. Not everyone has come from the same background, but our backgrounds and experiences have taught us what we know now.
I know who I am, and I know where I have been. I am not ashamed of my past; I embrace it. I have learned and continue to learn a lot from my mom and those around me. She has so much knowledge, and tries to share it with my sisters and I; now that we are knowledgeable, we listen. Now that we understand, and have tested our understanding of the world, we listen. I think that’s what adolescence is all about though, experimenting and testing the world till we figure out our own meanings. And that’s what I did, that’s what the world does. We try new things or try new ways, and eventually we will end up where we are supposed to be in life, and maybe that life isn’t as long as we had hoped. Some people get so lost they do irreparable harm to themselves, but maybe they have learned all they can. Their reason for doing so is to teach the people around them to wake up, soak in the knowledge, and live life.
Another thing, life is never easy. Every day we are challenged, tempted, and confused. That’s what makes my knowledge so special to me. I had to work really hard to finally receive it, and I’m still not done experiencing. Our lives are built off of knowledge; we don’t necessarily need to understand we just need to know. We don’t need to know why things are happening; we just need to know that it was supposed to happen. People may want to know the reasons behind events that occur, because the situation probably isn’t normal or isn’t what society has set up for us to believe is supposed to happen. The one question I would always ask myself is, “why is this happening to me?” I never understood, and I still don’t understand. I just know that I had to go through addictions, struggles, and overcoming all of them in order to be who I am and to be where I am.
On that note, the media doesn’t help people obtain knowledge. The media helps build a fake knowledge that people see to be true; in other words, they justify fake beliefs. They teach girls they need to be a size two in order to be pretty, it teaches us that acne is ugly, and it teaches us that we need to dress a certain way to “fit in” or be “normal”. But what I wonder is, when was this decided to be the world’s justified belief, and who decides these truths? So, when does it stop? When do we start accumulating our knowledge instead of having it go in one ear and out the other? When did it become acceptable for people to do wrong, when we know we should be doing right? Is it because that’s all they know, or is it because they just really don’t care? Does our own personal knowledge affect what we do, and if so how can we prove this?
I could sit here all night typing this paper about why I understand where most of the world today gets their “knowledge”, because I really don’t. I could talk about my knowledge and how I got my knowledge all night, but regardless some people just won’t listen. It’s like…what’s one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. We are so quick to forget and we all take so much for granted it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what people see as knowledge, because now a days it seems people are forgetting to think before they do. But let’s be honest, as this paper has been as honest as I can make it, we really should just go off of our own knowledge. The world and society makes up a lot of rules, laws, ideals, morals, etc. that we should follow, but who is to say that these rules, laws, ideals, morals etc. are right? I mean, many of them are right, but some of them, like it’s illegal for partners of same sex in some states to get married is not fair, nor is it right. The world’s knowledge is a lot of perspective and what they think is best for the world, but do they really know what is best for 7 billion people?
My knowledge tells me to follow my heart and what I feel is right, because as you have learned, from what I know now, have done a lot of wrongs. But that’s okay; those wrongs brought me here, Syracuse University. I have done everything in my power to turn my life around and be the best I can be. My knowledge is my treasure, it is something I appreciate everyday, why shouldn’t I? I know how it feels to feel like you have absolutely no knowledge at all. So now all I can do is embrace life and use the knowledge I have gained through experience to guide me to where I want to be, and help others along the way.
As always,
-Miss Optimistic
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Best Meal of the Day!
Hello Internet-
Breakfast time isn't it? It's funny, because they always say that breakfast is the best meal of the day. They may be right, may not be...I think it depends on the person, but honestly- what better time to think through things when you have a little snack in your hands. :-)
Life isn't necessarily all about waking up grabbing breakfast and then on the go to school, work, or wherever you go. A lot of us get in these funks where we are almost too comfortable with life. Don't relax. Change it up.
I recently haven't been too optimistic. It's been really hard for me to continue posting when the gloominess of my head has just taken over. But I keep staying optimistic that I'm going to get over this. I mean, that's all we can do. Is push through it and get to the end of the tunnel.
There has been a lot I have learned in the last month or two and I can't quite channel it into words to portray to you. All that I have done and gone through, and yet...my blog stays blank. I always think the best time to think is in the shower or when I am eating. Two places/times you can never go wrong. AND! The thoughts go into the trash you throw out after you are done eating, and the thoughts rush down the drain while you're in the shower.
So, if you're breakfast isn't doing it...try just thinking about your life, where you are going, what you are doing, who you want to be with, who are you going to be with, etc. Internet, there are questions to life that can never be answered- but don't let that hesitate you. Go get the answers you want. Sit down and eat some breakfast instead of grabbing a bar on the go, and have some time to yourself.
-Miss Optimistic
Breakfast time isn't it? It's funny, because they always say that breakfast is the best meal of the day. They may be right, may not be...I think it depends on the person, but honestly- what better time to think through things when you have a little snack in your hands. :-)
Life isn't necessarily all about waking up grabbing breakfast and then on the go to school, work, or wherever you go. A lot of us get in these funks where we are almost too comfortable with life. Don't relax. Change it up.
I recently haven't been too optimistic. It's been really hard for me to continue posting when the gloominess of my head has just taken over. But I keep staying optimistic that I'm going to get over this. I mean, that's all we can do. Is push through it and get to the end of the tunnel.
There has been a lot I have learned in the last month or two and I can't quite channel it into words to portray to you. All that I have done and gone through, and yet...my blog stays blank. I always think the best time to think is in the shower or when I am eating. Two places/times you can never go wrong. AND! The thoughts go into the trash you throw out after you are done eating, and the thoughts rush down the drain while you're in the shower.
So, if you're breakfast isn't doing it...try just thinking about your life, where you are going, what you are doing, who you want to be with, who are you going to be with, etc. Internet, there are questions to life that can never be answered- but don't let that hesitate you. Go get the answers you want. Sit down and eat some breakfast instead of grabbing a bar on the go, and have some time to yourself.
-Miss Optimistic
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Poem?
Regret
My eyes start swelling,
I can feel it coming.
All the regret and guilt
Is finally creeping down my cheek.
The pain the sorrow,
Is mine nothing you want to borrow.
All that I have built
Is finally falling into the creek.
Alone is how I feel,
I have lost a way to deal.
And I hurt you so bad,
It’s tearing me up inside.
A lost soul,
Out in the cold.
And I am more than sad,
All because I lied.
I promise you my heart
No more shots in the dark.
It is you and me forever,
This is the only thing I know.
Just know how sorry I am,
And that you are my only man.
I am done trying to be clever,
Because we will never sink below.
My eyes start swelling,
I can feel it coming.
All the regret and guilt
Is finally creeping down my cheek.
The pain the sorrow,
Is mine nothing you want to borrow.
All that I have built
Is finally falling into the creek.
Alone is how I feel,
I have lost a way to deal.
And I hurt you so bad,
It’s tearing me up inside.
A lost soul,
Out in the cold.
And I am more than sad,
All because I lied.
I promise you my heart
No more shots in the dark.
It is you and me forever,
This is the only thing I know.
Just know how sorry I am,
And that you are my only man.
I am done trying to be clever,
Because we will never sink below.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tired of Waiting
Hello Internet-
I am going to warn you- this is going to be a rant, because we all need to vent :-).
I am so tired of waiting. I am tired of waiting for people to start caring, for people to appreciate what they have. I'm so tired of people treating others like shit, for people being rude, dishonest, or just plain dumb. When are we going to learn?!
We all have emotions. We all hurt, are happy, laugh, cry, the list could go on. I am just so tired! Every new experience I go through just tires me. How can you abandon a family? How can you cheat on a girlfriend, or have an affair behind your wife's back? How can you cheat in general- on a test, on anything? How can you lie? How can you back-stab? I don't understand how people go through life treating others like shit and walking all over people to get where they want to be.
A thought was brought to my attention earlier. What if they constantly do this to you because they like the reaction they get. I don't see how! All I do is curl up in a ball and not talk, well even less than I was before. How can someone sit there and watch that happen? How does anyone feel okay with knowing someone is hurting or some one isn't okay? I'm not saying people like to see me curled up in a ball hurt, but let's be honest. I have had 5 people in my life push and push when they know something is not right, and three of those people are family members. Maybe one or two more, but that's it. Normally people just let you keep doing you.
I came across a poem today, it talked about us having masks on so that no one knows something is wrong when we are really dying on the inside. HOW TRUE IS THIS INTERNET!??!?! I do it all the time. AND I'M SO DAMN TIRED OF WEARING THAT FUCKING MASK!! UGH!!!!
But then the issue comes in to...when did it all start? Cause now I've been wearing that mask and now all my emotions are jumbled into one and who the fuck knows where all of the tears and pain are coming from. We need to find those people that are tired of waiting too. Tired of waiting for the world to change.
Like the king of pop says, it starts with us.
"I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways.
And no message could have been any clearer.
If you want to make the world a better place,
Take a look at yourself then. make. that. change!!!" - Michael Jackson R.I.P
How the fuck are we supposed to look at ourselves and change a whole society full of ignorant assholes?? I'm tired of waiting. I've looked in the mirror and changed my ways, so why the fuck haven't other people?!?!
Do you know what I mean internet??
-Miss Optimistic
Need advice? E-mail optimisticvoice@yahoo.com
I am going to warn you- this is going to be a rant, because we all need to vent :-).
I am so tired of waiting. I am tired of waiting for people to start caring, for people to appreciate what they have. I'm so tired of people treating others like shit, for people being rude, dishonest, or just plain dumb. When are we going to learn?!
We all have emotions. We all hurt, are happy, laugh, cry, the list could go on. I am just so tired! Every new experience I go through just tires me. How can you abandon a family? How can you cheat on a girlfriend, or have an affair behind your wife's back? How can you cheat in general- on a test, on anything? How can you lie? How can you back-stab? I don't understand how people go through life treating others like shit and walking all over people to get where they want to be.
A thought was brought to my attention earlier. What if they constantly do this to you because they like the reaction they get. I don't see how! All I do is curl up in a ball and not talk, well even less than I was before. How can someone sit there and watch that happen? How does anyone feel okay with knowing someone is hurting or some one isn't okay? I'm not saying people like to see me curled up in a ball hurt, but let's be honest. I have had 5 people in my life push and push when they know something is not right, and three of those people are family members. Maybe one or two more, but that's it. Normally people just let you keep doing you.
I came across a poem today, it talked about us having masks on so that no one knows something is wrong when we are really dying on the inside. HOW TRUE IS THIS INTERNET!??!?! I do it all the time. AND I'M SO DAMN TIRED OF WEARING THAT FUCKING MASK!! UGH!!!!
But then the issue comes in to...when did it all start? Cause now I've been wearing that mask and now all my emotions are jumbled into one and who the fuck knows where all of the tears and pain are coming from. We need to find those people that are tired of waiting too. Tired of waiting for the world to change.
Like the king of pop says, it starts with us.
"I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways.
And no message could have been any clearer.
If you want to make the world a better place,
Take a look at yourself then. make. that. change!!!" - Michael Jackson R.I.P
How the fuck are we supposed to look at ourselves and change a whole society full of ignorant assholes?? I'm tired of waiting. I've looked in the mirror and changed my ways, so why the fuck haven't other people?!?!
Do you know what I mean internet??
-Miss Optimistic
Need advice? E-mail optimisticvoice@yahoo.com
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Who Knows?
Hello Internet-
Today I came across a quote-
"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." - Marcus Aurelius
This is something I have heard over and over again, but have never heard it this way. How true though? How do we know things are facts or truths- it's all just how we see the world. We can make anything we want it to be as long as we believe. As long as we have our perspectives and opinions, it is ours.
Know what you have, what you know, what you think, what you feel- because when it comes down to it..that's all that matters. Fuck what the world says, because who is to say they are even right?
-Miss Optimistic
Today I came across a quote-
"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." - Marcus Aurelius
This is something I have heard over and over again, but have never heard it this way. How true though? How do we know things are facts or truths- it's all just how we see the world. We can make anything we want it to be as long as we believe. As long as we have our perspectives and opinions, it is ours.
Know what you have, what you know, what you think, what you feel- because when it comes down to it..that's all that matters. Fuck what the world says, because who is to say they are even right?
-Miss Optimistic
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Questions
Hello Internet-
Since, the title is questions, why not start out with one? There are always questions, and 99.9% of the time, we probably don't know the answers to them. Questions keep us pushing but they can also hold us back. They help us obtain knowledge, help us adjust knowledge, and help us lose knowledge. How can we find these answers? And why do we always need these answers?
There are always those moments in life where we just don't know. We don't even know the questions to be asked, or how to answer questions that may be asked. We look to others to just help, in any way they can. We look for anything to explain what could possibly be going on inside. You shouldn't have to look hard. There are always reasons for everything. Every feeling, every thought, every action, and every breathe. We are always going toward where we are supposed to be.
Our emotions may be just pushing us away from something or toward something else. So right now, I am question and answerless. It's late, I'm tired, my mind is next to blank, and it's all just numb. The part that sucks the most, is I did nothing to get into this state. I didn't take anything, I didn't do anything, this is just me right now. And it's weird, ever since I've been back at school, ever since all this family shit has exploded- that's all things are to me is dull or numb. I would much rather take something to make me feel this way, then not understand why I am feeling this way.
I think we all feel this way. We all would rather have the answers, then be the ones asking the questions. I thought I was always the one with the answers, that any one could come to me, and I could have the advice, I could help, and it's now that I realize I don't know how. Yes some of you read this blog, and have told me how I am so good with words, I am so wise, etc. But how can I sit here and give you advice when I can't even give myself advice.
I guess that is the lesson of this post- one can never turn to themselves for advice. I think that's why I'm here right now. I kept telling myself I had it, that I was okay, that I was handling my emotions okay, and then all of a sudden it get's blown in my face. Like HAHAHA!! YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE!!!
I told a friend the other day, people give the best advice on the parts of life they need advice on. If that makes sense, I hope it does. I guess I'm saying, never try to help yourself, most of the time, it just leads you to confusion and dullness.
Yeah, I don't know.
-Miss Optimistic
Since, the title is questions, why not start out with one? There are always questions, and 99.9% of the time, we probably don't know the answers to them. Questions keep us pushing but they can also hold us back. They help us obtain knowledge, help us adjust knowledge, and help us lose knowledge. How can we find these answers? And why do we always need these answers?
There are always those moments in life where we just don't know. We don't even know the questions to be asked, or how to answer questions that may be asked. We look to others to just help, in any way they can. We look for anything to explain what could possibly be going on inside. You shouldn't have to look hard. There are always reasons for everything. Every feeling, every thought, every action, and every breathe. We are always going toward where we are supposed to be.
Our emotions may be just pushing us away from something or toward something else. So right now, I am question and answerless. It's late, I'm tired, my mind is next to blank, and it's all just numb. The part that sucks the most, is I did nothing to get into this state. I didn't take anything, I didn't do anything, this is just me right now. And it's weird, ever since I've been back at school, ever since all this family shit has exploded- that's all things are to me is dull or numb. I would much rather take something to make me feel this way, then not understand why I am feeling this way.
I think we all feel this way. We all would rather have the answers, then be the ones asking the questions. I thought I was always the one with the answers, that any one could come to me, and I could have the advice, I could help, and it's now that I realize I don't know how. Yes some of you read this blog, and have told me how I am so good with words, I am so wise, etc. But how can I sit here and give you advice when I can't even give myself advice.
I guess that is the lesson of this post- one can never turn to themselves for advice. I think that's why I'm here right now. I kept telling myself I had it, that I was okay, that I was handling my emotions okay, and then all of a sudden it get's blown in my face. Like HAHAHA!! YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE!!!
I told a friend the other day, people give the best advice on the parts of life they need advice on. If that makes sense, I hope it does. I guess I'm saying, never try to help yourself, most of the time, it just leads you to confusion and dullness.
Yeah, I don't know.
-Miss Optimistic
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