Welcome to the New YEAR

Hello Internet-

So as the new year is beginning, and the old one is coming to a close, we need to ask ourselves...where are we going? What is it we want for this year? And, how should it be different than last year?

My goal for this year is to create my own happiness, I've been struggling a lot at school trying to be happy, and with everything that has been going on in my life. I don't know if I have talked about it before, but, a major change happened in my life this past year. I officially feel I have lost a father. Some information was found out that he now has another home, which looks almost identical to the one he used to live in, my home. He also may or may not have been having an affair with his secretary, regardless...what has happened is his business, not mine.

I met with him for dinner after all this information came about, and I told him I just wanted a father. He told me that I had to make an effort to keep in touch too..because this is all my fault that he "works" all the time and can't even answer my phone calls or texts. I tried for a bit, but was so disappointed when I realized that it was all the same. Nothing had changed. I was so hopeful that maybe I could actually start building a relationship with him, where instead it feels that we have drifted even more.

I didn't realize how much the whole situation was affecting me, until a friend of mine pointed it out. I have built my walls up so high again, that it's almost impossible for anyone to break them down. I lost a lot of trust in a lot of people, because we never know what people can do to us. The people we think may never hurt us can. I basically shut down. I stopped talking about things that were eating me up inside, and isolated myself with my boyfriend. Worst mistake I think I have ever made. I depended so much on him to make me feel better, and after 4-5 months of me still feeling the same, it almost feels like I lost faith in him. That I feel he may not be able to help me with situations.

Reality is: I just never brought it up...out of sight out of mind. I didn't want to think about it. I'd be fine and then it would pop in my head and then I'd uncontrollably start crying. It hurt. It ate me alive, until I lost a lot of who I was, who I had worked so hard to be. The vivacious, happy go lucky, everything happens for a reason girl. When I would try to bring it up, he just never understood. His family is always together talking, they are in each others business, etc. When I'm around his family, I can't not be happy...it's a family I've always wanted to be a part of. It's hard for someone to put themselves in other people's shoes- when they haven't seen a lot of disaster in their life.

I've been dealing with a life changing experience all on my own. I've been trying and trying to open up to people, but that trust just isn't there. I'm back to trying to control the world- and it's tiring. I want life to take me where I'm supposed to go, like I did for a while.

With the new year, I want to have faith. I want to enjoy my busy days. I want to let go of the things that have rotten inside of me. I want to be happy Internet, and you should be too. With new years comes a new way of thinking...mine is what it used to be...I'm just going back to the old old way of thinking :).

I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year!
-Miss Optimistic