Simplicity

Hello Internet-

This post may be hard for some to read, the few who know who I am, but this blog is not necessarily for the people that are close to me. This blog is for those who need some sort of something to help them out of a situation or an issue. This blog is about me falling down and getting back up, me fucking up and dealing with the consequences, and me analyzing those around me and trying to understand actions that some people make. This blog is my voice, my heart, and my soul for all of you to read, so I apologize to those who this may affect, and who knows, maybe this will be good for some to finally see it all written out.

My ex is a poison. I have talked about him once or twice here, it's time to fully put him behind me. If he reads this...I don't know if he still even reads these, this is my final farewell to you, and thank you for finally making me realize what I am about to write.

This untouchable connection was shared between him and I. People would try and break it and we would come out stronger than ever. My best friend for 5 years, and then his way to repay me is to walk out. To let it all go, and that's when life started to get better. I met a new boy, my boyfriend now, I started growing up more, I felt better. Granted, as much shit as I talk about him sometimes and say he hurt me blah blah, I did a lot to him as well. I did a lot of fucked up things that I am surprised he stayed around for. The addictions, the bitchy mood swings, the depression, etc. He stood there and watched as I unwound myself emotionally into a ball on the floor, then watched as I started to rewind myself up. For a long time he was my friend, my sidekick, and a confidant.

I may be repeating myself a bit here, but last spring break, after he had been gone for about 4 months he texted me telling me he missed me. Honestly, a part of me was happy that he did. Because I hadn't thought about him in a month and a half to 2 months, it felt good to hear him basically say "I fucked up". Isn't that funny how GOOD it feels to hear "you are right"! Best saying in the world! :-)

Back on track: ever since then, it's been like high school was, an emotional roller coaster. I'd say I'm done. Not talk to him for a bit and then the cycle would repeat. First we talked for a bit, then we talked everyday, then multiple times a day, then almost all the time, and then it would start to affect my current relationship so I'd end it. "Rinse and repeat" basically. It took me losing nearly everything to realize how unimportant he was. How he really didn't mean that much to me as I had thought. That the idea of him was more important to me than the actual him.

I officially said I couldn't be his friend anymore, I didn't want to be his friend anymore. That he was ruining what I had fallen in love with, my boyfriend. He was poisoning the me and the best thing I have had in a long time. The other night I got very drunk. The first time I have had that much to drink in I don't know when. I got really sick and my boyfriend ended up having to take care of me for a little over 12 hours. The ex texted me that night. He said, "do you think about me at all? yes or no, I'm just really curious." My boyfriend told me to delete it, so I did...but the text kept repeating in my head over and over again. Did I miss him?

Let me take you back. The ex tried to get in touch with me again after I said I didn't want to be his friend. He repeatedly started taking jabs at my boyfriend and making fun of him becuase he knew I was with my boyfriend. I was furious. I yelled and screamed and told him he was soo fucked up and to never talk to me again...then this text.

So Internet, my question is, why do we think so much about things that just are dragging us down emotionally. That are soo exhausting we know it's affecting us but let it continue?

My ex hasn't left my mind since that text was sent to me. I didn't miss him. I didn't understand how he could disrespect me and hurt me so badly again. I didn't understand why he would text me again, to play with me? I was angry that he would try and fuck everything up again. I was soo confused. I was all these emotions and I didn't know how to handle it all. The only thing I could think of to do, was talk to a friend, and when he then left because he had to do other things...the last thing I could think of was talk to my boyfriend. I knew it was going to be a disaster, but I was optimistic, maybe he would understand that I was just soo confused and frustrated with the ex. He didn't understand at first.

Then it was a you're still in love with him. I didn't break up with you that one time cause I loved you so much. I'm such a good boyfriend to you I treat you soo well, and that fucker. The reason I forgave you then is becuase I didn't realize this fucker would come back up into conversation. etc.

The only thing I could say is you are my world. You are my everything, he means nothing to me I just don't understand! I wanted to be honest. etc.

Talking to Bubba (my boyfriend) about it almost lifted a weight off my shoulders. After that I couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation. I IMed a friend earlier said I've made a decision. He said,"whats that?"

What I said is this:

"I need to stop thinking about getting annoyed with the ex, becuase it's hindering all of my other relationships elsewhere. And all the people that love me and support me and are there for me are way more powerful than his games are. And I'm sticking to that...in case you were wondering."

He told me he was proud.

I said:

"I just need to let other people in and let other people help me through my issues, and understand that he doesn't have to be the one that helps me."

He said: "he's always been a fall back, but the benefits never outweighed the costs. I hate this topic because what I said never made a difference."

My response:

"What I've learned from all of my experiences is that you can tell someone something over and over again, but it won't happen until they believe it themselves. I understood what you, my mom, my sister, my girlfriends, and Bubba were saying..but I never really believed it or saw it. It's like he had almost brain washed me to think that he was the only one that could fix things... solely because I liked how he fixed things, and how I didn't have to do much for things to be fixed. But that's what I have realized; that didn't make him a good friend..it just made it all simple."

So Internet, Now that I have explained a lot and told a story, I ask you...why do we think simplicity is so good? Why are we afraid of actually having to explain ourselves and our issues. What is soo good about having something be simple? They say life isn't life unless it's hard. You have to work for the things in life that you want, why do we become so comfortable in simple things?

Honestly, I have no explanation for this idiotic habit we all have. We need to let go of the simple things in life. If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it. So Internet, my challenge to you is to challenge yourself, don't do something or be around someone because it's easy, do something becuase that's what matters to you.

I'm learning or trying to everyday.
-Miss Optimistic