Hello Internet-
This post may be hard for some to read, the few who know who I am, but this blog is not necessarily for the people that are close to me. This blog is for those who need some sort of something to help them out of a situation or an issue. This blog is about me falling down and getting back up, me fucking up and dealing with the consequences, and me analyzing those around me and trying to understand actions that some people make. This blog is my voice, my heart, and my soul for all of you to read, so I apologize to those who this may affect, and who knows, maybe this will be good for some to finally see it all written out.
My ex is a poison. I have talked about him once or twice here, it's time to fully put him behind me. If he reads this...I don't know if he still even reads these, this is my final farewell to you, and thank you for finally making me realize what I am about to write.
This untouchable connection was shared between him and I. People would try and break it and we would come out stronger than ever. My best friend for 5 years, and then his way to repay me is to walk out. To let it all go, and that's when life started to get better. I met a new boy, my boyfriend now, I started growing up more, I felt better. Granted, as much shit as I talk about him sometimes and say he hurt me blah blah, I did a lot to him as well. I did a lot of fucked up things that I am surprised he stayed around for. The addictions, the bitchy mood swings, the depression, etc. He stood there and watched as I unwound myself emotionally into a ball on the floor, then watched as I started to rewind myself up. For a long time he was my friend, my sidekick, and a confidant.
I may be repeating myself a bit here, but last spring break, after he had been gone for about 4 months he texted me telling me he missed me. Honestly, a part of me was happy that he did. Because I hadn't thought about him in a month and a half to 2 months, it felt good to hear him basically say "I fucked up". Isn't that funny how GOOD it feels to hear "you are right"! Best saying in the world! :-)
Back on track: ever since then, it's been like high school was, an emotional roller coaster. I'd say I'm done. Not talk to him for a bit and then the cycle would repeat. First we talked for a bit, then we talked everyday, then multiple times a day, then almost all the time, and then it would start to affect my current relationship so I'd end it. "Rinse and repeat" basically. It took me losing nearly everything to realize how unimportant he was. How he really didn't mean that much to me as I had thought. That the idea of him was more important to me than the actual him.
I officially said I couldn't be his friend anymore, I didn't want to be his friend anymore. That he was ruining what I had fallen in love with, my boyfriend. He was poisoning the me and the best thing I have had in a long time. The other night I got very drunk. The first time I have had that much to drink in I don't know when. I got really sick and my boyfriend ended up having to take care of me for a little over 12 hours. The ex texted me that night. He said, "do you think about me at all? yes or no, I'm just really curious." My boyfriend told me to delete it, so I did...but the text kept repeating in my head over and over again. Did I miss him?
Let me take you back. The ex tried to get in touch with me again after I said I didn't want to be his friend. He repeatedly started taking jabs at my boyfriend and making fun of him becuase he knew I was with my boyfriend. I was furious. I yelled and screamed and told him he was soo fucked up and to never talk to me again...then this text.
So Internet, my question is, why do we think so much about things that just are dragging us down emotionally. That are soo exhausting we know it's affecting us but let it continue?
My ex hasn't left my mind since that text was sent to me. I didn't miss him. I didn't understand how he could disrespect me and hurt me so badly again. I didn't understand why he would text me again, to play with me? I was angry that he would try and fuck everything up again. I was soo confused. I was all these emotions and I didn't know how to handle it all. The only thing I could think of to do, was talk to a friend, and when he then left because he had to do other things...the last thing I could think of was talk to my boyfriend. I knew it was going to be a disaster, but I was optimistic, maybe he would understand that I was just soo confused and frustrated with the ex. He didn't understand at first.
Then it was a you're still in love with him. I didn't break up with you that one time cause I loved you so much. I'm such a good boyfriend to you I treat you soo well, and that fucker. The reason I forgave you then is becuase I didn't realize this fucker would come back up into conversation. etc.
The only thing I could say is you are my world. You are my everything, he means nothing to me I just don't understand! I wanted to be honest. etc.
Talking to Bubba (my boyfriend) about it almost lifted a weight off my shoulders. After that I couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation. I IMed a friend earlier said I've made a decision. He said,"whats that?"
What I said is this:
"I need to stop thinking about getting annoyed with the ex, becuase it's hindering all of my other relationships elsewhere. And all the people that love me and support me and are there for me are way more powerful than his games are. And I'm sticking to that...in case you were wondering."
He told me he was proud.
I said:
"I just need to let other people in and let other people help me through my issues, and understand that he doesn't have to be the one that helps me."
He said: "he's always been a fall back, but the benefits never outweighed the costs. I hate this topic because what I said never made a difference."
My response:
"What I've learned from all of my experiences is that you can tell someone something over and over again, but it won't happen until they believe it themselves. I understood what you, my mom, my sister, my girlfriends, and Bubba were saying..but I never really believed it or saw it. It's like he had almost brain washed me to think that he was the only one that could fix things... solely because I liked how he fixed things, and how I didn't have to do much for things to be fixed. But that's what I have realized; that didn't make him a good friend..it just made it all simple."
So Internet, Now that I have explained a lot and told a story, I ask you...why do we think simplicity is so good? Why are we afraid of actually having to explain ourselves and our issues. What is soo good about having something be simple? They say life isn't life unless it's hard. You have to work for the things in life that you want, why do we become so comfortable in simple things?
Honestly, I have no explanation for this idiotic habit we all have. We need to let go of the simple things in life. If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it. So Internet, my challenge to you is to challenge yourself, don't do something or be around someone because it's easy, do something becuase that's what matters to you.
I'm learning or trying to everyday.
-Miss Optimistic
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Secrets
Hello Internet-
I know I keep writing and then disappearing for a while, but my biggest pet peve is repeating myself, and I want new good ideas, and not the same old posts I have been talking about.
Frank Warren- owner of Post Secret came and talked at my University. Incredible by the way, he said he's going all over so keep an eye out, and look for his name. His talk inspired me. I sat on it for a few days, when it hit me. There is not one thing that I consider a "secret" in my life. Sure I have my dark times, but there is not one thing I haven't told anyone about or talked about. This bothers me. I'm sure there is something, why can't I think of my secrets?
Frank talked about how sometimes we don't keep the secrets- our secrets keep us. What if my secrets are keeping me? Because, I don't think I have any real secrets. What if, Internet, we have hidden these secrets soo deep down, that we can't even recognize them as secrets. We have left them there to just dissolve and be forgotten about. How does this help us? How can we move on if we can't face it.
That's my biggest fear. I talked to my boyfriend about Warren's talk, and he told me about his deepest secret he was hiding from me a while ago, but I don't think that I have anything that deep and dark that is so locked up and so controlled by my heart and mind. But I wonder if maybe that's why I am who I am- maybe there really is no secret.
While in Ecuador this summer, I met a woman, an incredible woman. She talked about her family like it was no big deal. I wanted to cry or scream, because I was sitting there dealing with an asshole father, and had been having nightmares about him just leaving me or not wanting me anymore. I told her how much I envied how she could talk so openly about her past. She told me, "I am not ashamed of my past. It has made me who I am, and I can only be thankful for that." A few weeks later on my trip- I told now two of my really good friends about the whole situation. That my father had another home, another place that he had been lying about. He had bought it from his secretary who may or may not have been having an affair with for the past 10 years. I have stood up for him and looked up to him for so long thanking him for supporting the family and sacrificing his time to give to us, and then all of that came crashing down. But once I opened up to someone in Ecuador, my nightmares stopped. I had opened my closet and let the skeletons out and it felt SOOO good.
Why must we feel closing up and hiding things is easier? Because, it's not. These secrets haunt us, and they are constantly coming back to bite us in the butt. The only way to get through these times is to face them. Embrace our secrets and embrace others' secrets as well.
I realized that this is my reason for this blog. Maybe by me putting what I have been through and my advice in a public place for free...maybe, just maybe, I can touch people and show people- they are not alone; just like Frank Warren has done with his post cards and collection of secrets. If you haven't heard of his cite- I suggest you click on the link above and check it out. He has touched millions, and that is something so incredible, that is something I want to do one day.
My point Internet- in the words of Eminem- "I'm cleanin' out my closet". Don't lock these secrets up. It'll only tear you up on the inside. Be open, be honest, and understand others could possibly be going through what you are going through.
-Miss Optimistic
I know I keep writing and then disappearing for a while, but my biggest pet peve is repeating myself, and I want new good ideas, and not the same old posts I have been talking about.
Frank Warren- owner of Post Secret came and talked at my University. Incredible by the way, he said he's going all over so keep an eye out, and look for his name. His talk inspired me. I sat on it for a few days, when it hit me. There is not one thing that I consider a "secret" in my life. Sure I have my dark times, but there is not one thing I haven't told anyone about or talked about. This bothers me. I'm sure there is something, why can't I think of my secrets?
Frank talked about how sometimes we don't keep the secrets- our secrets keep us. What if my secrets are keeping me? Because, I don't think I have any real secrets. What if, Internet, we have hidden these secrets soo deep down, that we can't even recognize them as secrets. We have left them there to just dissolve and be forgotten about. How does this help us? How can we move on if we can't face it.
That's my biggest fear. I talked to my boyfriend about Warren's talk, and he told me about his deepest secret he was hiding from me a while ago, but I don't think that I have anything that deep and dark that is so locked up and so controlled by my heart and mind. But I wonder if maybe that's why I am who I am- maybe there really is no secret.
While in Ecuador this summer, I met a woman, an incredible woman. She talked about her family like it was no big deal. I wanted to cry or scream, because I was sitting there dealing with an asshole father, and had been having nightmares about him just leaving me or not wanting me anymore. I told her how much I envied how she could talk so openly about her past. She told me, "I am not ashamed of my past. It has made me who I am, and I can only be thankful for that." A few weeks later on my trip- I told now two of my really good friends about the whole situation. That my father had another home, another place that he had been lying about. He had bought it from his secretary who may or may not have been having an affair with for the past 10 years. I have stood up for him and looked up to him for so long thanking him for supporting the family and sacrificing his time to give to us, and then all of that came crashing down. But once I opened up to someone in Ecuador, my nightmares stopped. I had opened my closet and let the skeletons out and it felt SOOO good.
Why must we feel closing up and hiding things is easier? Because, it's not. These secrets haunt us, and they are constantly coming back to bite us in the butt. The only way to get through these times is to face them. Embrace our secrets and embrace others' secrets as well.
I realized that this is my reason for this blog. Maybe by me putting what I have been through and my advice in a public place for free...maybe, just maybe, I can touch people and show people- they are not alone; just like Frank Warren has done with his post cards and collection of secrets. If you haven't heard of his cite- I suggest you click on the link above and check it out. He has touched millions, and that is something so incredible, that is something I want to do one day.
My point Internet- in the words of Eminem- "I'm cleanin' out my closet". Don't lock these secrets up. It'll only tear you up on the inside. Be open, be honest, and understand others could possibly be going through what you are going through.
-Miss Optimistic
Saturday, October 9, 2010
An Assignment I had to do.
Hello Internet-
A paper I had to write for class- Some of you may find it helpful/interesting. :-)
Fall into the Truth
Where to even start, is all I can think while trying to start this paper. There are so many approaches one could take to start it, to end it, or to build it up, and how do I know if it’s right? Which brings me to my next question, how do we know our knowledge is right? This paper is the second draft I have written about knowledge. I loved my introduction to the first one, but the whole paper didn’t seem good enough. It seemed awkward and choppy, and to me it didn’t make sense; I loved the topics raised in the last paper, but didn’t like the paper itself, because it didn’t feel right. Isn’t that weird, how you just know something isn’t right? That’s how I got my knowledge; I just kind of fell into it. Well, not really. I actually did a whole lot of wrong to get me the truths I was so blinded to. Knowledge is all about experience. Knowledge is justified belief. Do we justify it, or does society? For me, I justify my own beliefs, and this paper will explain why. Professor Rodriguez told us to be as honest as we could throughout this piece, and that is what I plan to do; in order to be as honest as possible, I need to start at the beginning.
I always thought I knew everything, I guess adolescence does that to us. We get cocky and smart with other people. My mom, my sisters, and my teachers could lecture me all they wanted about drugs, sex, or life, and my responses would always be, “yea, okay, I already know this.” The truth is, which was later brought to my attention, I didn’t. I knew little to nothing, but I put up this huge front, which was my first major mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t say mistake, my first lesson, because there are no mistakes in life, there are only lessons or things that happen that are supposed to show us or teach us something. We grow from our mistakes and we learn from them. So, a mistake is never a negative thing unless of course harm is caused to others, for example drunk driving.
Unfortunately, negativity swept over me the minute I realized I really didn’t know anything. And, of course being a teenager I didn’t want to admit it. That was the first time I cut myself. The burden of actually not knowing killed me on the inside. I guess I just wanted to grow up too fast, and know everything, but I was rushing something that I had no control over. It felt good. Every time I cut, it was like an escape. At this time, this was the only knowledge I had. This pain and this suffering was my way of telling people I was in control but I really had no idea what the hell I was doing.
My older sister cut, and I guess that’s where I got the idea that it was okay. We go through life constantly asking all these questions, because we feel we need to have the answers. When I didn’t have the answers, I couldn’t handle it. And the knowledge I had was to release it. My best friend at the time was so smart. I was so good at hiding the marks, and then one day I thought it was a long sleeved sweater and it was three quarter lengths. That day was the first time I started getting my knowledge back. My friend told the guidance center what she saw, even though I assured her I was handling it and it was stopping, and then the school called my mom. For weeks I was seeing a social worker and a therapist once a week. Because of her, she gave me another chance to receive the answers I was so desperate to find.
Drama at school exploded, and my mom sent me to Prague with my sister who was performing at a club there. She wanted me away from the school and just some time to handle my thoughts and get myself together. This trip is where I thought I learned all my knowledge. My oldest sister is so wise, so mature, so knowledgeable, and she received all of this knowledge through experience. On this trip she told me about her struggles too, about how she had trouble in school and was sucked into drugs, but realized they were not the answer. Seeing how happy and knowledgeable she was, she had made it through; I knew I had to listen. I knew there was more I needed to learn and benefit from her mistakes. .
I came back a whole new girl. I graduated from high school a semester early, because I knew that my high school was not for me. Let me clarify, my high school was 99.5% white, middle upper class, where differences were not really accepted; instead you would get bullied for your differences. I knew it was bringing me down. I knew the catty girls and the drama were ripping me apart inside. The last semester of high school was the best four months of my life. I knew I was leaving a place I hated; I knew I would be okay and free, Prague had taught me that. I got a job as a waitress at a fine dining restaurant by my house, and followed in my other older sister’s footsteps. She warned me, there are a lot of drugs there. She told my mom she didn’t want me working there, and I said it’s okay I am strong I won’t give in. I told myself that for about a month, but I gave in.
Knowledge is iffy, because if we justify it ourselves, then anything we do or think is right. But the best knowledge is the truth that we justify. From about sixth grade till when I graduated I was being taught every year about the side effects of drugs and cigarettes, and I just didn’t care. In my head, I had it all under control and I was just having some fun. I was experimenting. I was killing myself emotionally is what I was doing. For these reasons I think that knowledge doesn’t come from being taught information. I could verbatim tell you the side effects I had been taught of pills, of uppers, of downers, of underage drinking, or of smoking cigarettes; but none of that mattered. Why? I can’t give a justified reason other than I really thought I knew what I was doing.
My new best friend at the restaurant literally turned into my drug buddy. That’s all we would do when we were together, is get high. After a month or so, those habits turned into my knowledge. They turned into my justified truths. I needed the pills to be calm, because without them I was on edge, I felt like I was living in a tunnel, and I just didn’t like life without them. Knowledge is adjustable, it constantly is changing and adapting to the individual. I shut myself out of life. I became consumed in a world that was so dark and numb, and looking back, I don’t know why I felt so happy there. I was rude and irritable 24/7. I would argue with my mom all the time, because she didn’t understand, and I stopped talking to all my friends because they didn’t understand. No one understood except my friend and me. This was my next major mistake.
My knowledge and my world were consumed by my job. I slept till I worked because that was my new “home”. When I wasn’t working I would visit, because I had nowhere else to go. I had no more answers, but I had no more questions either. I had lost all the knowledge I had gained previously, and that’s what hurt the most. I started dating a guy there, he worked in banquets and I was a waitress. I promised him over and over I would stop drugs, stop the lying, and stop the games, but I couldn’t. My friend at the time decided to tell this guy that I was cheating and messing around with other guys at work, a few days after I had told him we needed some space. He didn’t like that, nor was it true. He called me that night yelling and screaming, and I tried telling him the truth. I guess I was really that far gone, that I had even been lying to myself. I had lost all sense of hope and security, most importantly; I had no one to turn to.
The next day he came up to me when I got to work and was yelling and screaming at me. I decided to quit right then and there. I went in, tears running down my face and told my boss take me off the schedule; I was done. That’s the only thing that I did know, is I needed to get the hell away from that place. I don’t know why I knew that, but that was the only thing that felt right to me at the time. Get away from the connections, the dealers, the drama, the numbness, and just leave. Carlos, the guy I was seeing, was my wake up call. He got arrested that night just from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and about a month later was deported back to Mexico. When my boss told me, I was really lost. He was the only one that understood why I was doing what I was doing, he understood and I never had to say a word. He was my guardian angel, looking after me and I didn’t even know it.
I got home, went straight to my room and fell to the soft carpet. I couldn’t even hold back the emotion. I held my knees and rocked back and forth, my body shaking and aching uncontrollably. At this moment, I knew I had hit my all time low, and I knew I was truly alone. I felt all of these emotions at once, and I knew nothing. All I knew was I was slowly destroying my body and myself, and for so long I hadn’t cared. We may be informed of subjects, but when do we know how knowledgeable we really are on them? I realized later that my knowledge was so skewed and wrong, that I had been justifying reasons to get high, to smoke, and to hurt myself. Knowledge in adolescence is hard to obtain, but we all possess some sort of understanding of the world. Whether it is dark and dreary or light and optimistic. It took me hitting rock bottom to obtain the knowledge I have now, and my knowledge is the most valuable thing I own today.
Through experience we just fall into truths. We are taught for years to not have unprotected sex, and to always wear a condom, yet teen pregnancy seems to be more accepted now then ever. I mean we now have shows following teens around and showing the struggles or joys of being a teen mom. A lot of people have not experienced a lot of different, and that’s where I feel the world’s knowledge is so far off. Has everyone fallen into a drug addiction? Has everyone gotten so lost that they chose to cut? No, so how can the world teach us about topics it hasn’t even been through? Because let’s face it, I give the best advice on the things I have struggled through.
My friend, David, who stopped talking to me because of the drugs, told me finally to read this book. He said it helped him when he was a dealer and losing his knowledge. The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is my Bible. It’s what sparked the knowledge I have now. The idea that we create our lives, and all we have to do is put it out into the universe for it to come back to us. This book had all the answers I had been looking for, and I think that may be a reason why people find so much faith and belief in the Bible, and hence why this book is my Bible. I found faith and belief in this author’s words and thoughts. The book justified my beliefs, just like the Bible justifies others’ beliefs.
It is always hard coming to terms with the truth, and it’s never easy admitting what we try so hard to deny. I denied and denied that I was an addict, because I didn’t want to be. But the minute I came to terms with the issue, was the moment I received my knowledge back. A lot of the time, it seems that when others lose their knowledge, they let it stay lost. They lose themselves and everything that goes along with them, and don’t know how to get the truth back. People seem to not want to or can’t come to terms with reality, and that’s where their knowledge becomes vulnerable. They don’t want it to be true so they ignore whatever is going on, and lose light of their truths. They hide from the truth and take cover under the lies that have become reality.
Honestly, knowledge is hard to define. The best way for me to explain what it means to me is that it’s obtained through experience and is the lessons we learn from these experiences. We are continually gaining and losing knowledge, because we continue to experience. Right now, about a year after I felt I had lost it all, I am now experiencing life at a whole new level. I completely turned my life around, and am experiencing and living life as best I can. Knowledge is appreciating life, appreciating people, and appreciating everything in general. Knowledge can be perspective, because someone else who hands in this paper may see knowledge as being something completely different. They may see it as the understanding of material. That knowledge is gained through learning in school. Every definition of knowledge is right, because like I said earlier, it is justified belief. As long as we feel it, it’s right.
Once we obtain a good base of knowledge, we then start to listen to our subconscious. It will tell us if we are doing something right or wrong, it will give us an insight to what we should or shouldn’t do. Knowledge is there to guide us through life because everything happens for a reason. Because of these reasons I now feel my knowledge is reliable. I know when or where to stop, I know what is right or wrong, and this knowledge is all in my heart. In some ways, these reasons could make my knowledge vulnerable. There is no outline to my knowledge, it just is, and I live life based off of what I know. Other people don’t seem to do that. They live life off of what they want to do, not what they know. That’s why I became lost, that’s why more teens are getting pregnant, and that’s why all of these uncertainties flood people’s lives, because they do what they want to do.
Every action we do has consequences, whether they are good or bad. Therefore our knowledge can have good and bad consequences as well. My knowledge is more advanced than a lot of people my age; I have experienced and lived a lot more than I thought I was going to. People are constantly telling me I am wiser beyond my almost 20 years, so, when people come to me for advice, I have a lot more to say and a lot more options for what they can do. The best consequence is that knowledge is about giving; we shouldn’t keep our knowledge to ourselves. We need to spread it and teach others what we struggled to find. Because of things we have been through, we can help others get through them in a better way than we did. Knowledge is about living. People live their lives, but not in a knowledgeable way. How can we fix this? How do we get people to retain the knowledge our parents, teachers, siblings, and or friends try to teach us? All we can do is try to teach; the knowledgeable will listen, and the others will figure it out on their own.
My family has taught me to figure one thing out on my own, to love with all of your heart. Find someone you trust, love, can’t do without and hold on to them. For practically my whole life I have grown up around arguments, verbal abuse, and vulnerability. The last ten years have been my dad emotionally and physically abandoning the family. Always “working” and providing for the family he says. My mom raised me, and taught me not to do physical or emotional harm to others, that giving makes others feel good so I learn to give, and give all of me. This lesson hasn’t always benefited me, because people thought they could step all over me, use me, or bully me. Not everyone has come from the same background, but our backgrounds and experiences have taught us what we know now.
I know who I am, and I know where I have been. I am not ashamed of my past; I embrace it. I have learned and continue to learn a lot from my mom and those around me. She has so much knowledge, and tries to share it with my sisters and I; now that we are knowledgeable, we listen. Now that we understand, and have tested our understanding of the world, we listen. I think that’s what adolescence is all about though, experimenting and testing the world till we figure out our own meanings. And that’s what I did, that’s what the world does. We try new things or try new ways, and eventually we will end up where we are supposed to be in life, and maybe that life isn’t as long as we had hoped. Some people get so lost they do irreparable harm to themselves, but maybe they have learned all they can. Their reason for doing so is to teach the people around them to wake up, soak in the knowledge, and live life.
Another thing, life is never easy. Every day we are challenged, tempted, and confused. That’s what makes my knowledge so special to me. I had to work really hard to finally receive it, and I’m still not done experiencing. Our lives are built off of knowledge; we don’t necessarily need to understand we just need to know. We don’t need to know why things are happening; we just need to know that it was supposed to happen. People may want to know the reasons behind events that occur, because the situation probably isn’t normal or isn’t what society has set up for us to believe is supposed to happen. The one question I would always ask myself is, “why is this happening to me?” I never understood, and I still don’t understand. I just know that I had to go through addictions, struggles, and overcoming all of them in order to be who I am and to be where I am.
On that note, the media doesn’t help people obtain knowledge. The media helps build a fake knowledge that people see to be true; in other words, they justify fake beliefs. They teach girls they need to be a size two in order to be pretty, it teaches us that acne is ugly, and it teaches us that we need to dress a certain way to “fit in” or be “normal”. But what I wonder is, when was this decided to be the world’s justified belief, and who decides these truths? So, when does it stop? When do we start accumulating our knowledge instead of having it go in one ear and out the other? When did it become acceptable for people to do wrong, when we know we should be doing right? Is it because that’s all they know, or is it because they just really don’t care? Does our own personal knowledge affect what we do, and if so how can we prove this?
I could sit here all night typing this paper about why I understand where most of the world today gets their “knowledge”, because I really don’t. I could talk about my knowledge and how I got my knowledge all night, but regardless some people just won’t listen. It’s like…what’s one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. We are so quick to forget and we all take so much for granted it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what people see as knowledge, because now a days it seems people are forgetting to think before they do. But let’s be honest, as this paper has been as honest as I can make it, we really should just go off of our own knowledge. The world and society makes up a lot of rules, laws, ideals, morals, etc. that we should follow, but who is to say that these rules, laws, ideals, morals etc. are right? I mean, many of them are right, but some of them, like it’s illegal for partners of same sex in some states to get married is not fair, nor is it right. The world’s knowledge is a lot of perspective and what they think is best for the world, but do they really know what is best for 7 billion people?
My knowledge tells me to follow my heart and what I feel is right, because as you have learned, from what I know now, have done a lot of wrongs. But that’s okay; those wrongs brought me here, Syracuse University. I have done everything in my power to turn my life around and be the best I can be. My knowledge is my treasure, it is something I appreciate everyday, why shouldn’t I? I know how it feels to feel like you have absolutely no knowledge at all. So now all I can do is embrace life and use the knowledge I have gained through experience to guide me to where I want to be, and help others along the way.
As always,
-Miss Optimistic
A paper I had to write for class- Some of you may find it helpful/interesting. :-)
Fall into the Truth
Where to even start, is all I can think while trying to start this paper. There are so many approaches one could take to start it, to end it, or to build it up, and how do I know if it’s right? Which brings me to my next question, how do we know our knowledge is right? This paper is the second draft I have written about knowledge. I loved my introduction to the first one, but the whole paper didn’t seem good enough. It seemed awkward and choppy, and to me it didn’t make sense; I loved the topics raised in the last paper, but didn’t like the paper itself, because it didn’t feel right. Isn’t that weird, how you just know something isn’t right? That’s how I got my knowledge; I just kind of fell into it. Well, not really. I actually did a whole lot of wrong to get me the truths I was so blinded to. Knowledge is all about experience. Knowledge is justified belief. Do we justify it, or does society? For me, I justify my own beliefs, and this paper will explain why. Professor Rodriguez told us to be as honest as we could throughout this piece, and that is what I plan to do; in order to be as honest as possible, I need to start at the beginning.
I always thought I knew everything, I guess adolescence does that to us. We get cocky and smart with other people. My mom, my sisters, and my teachers could lecture me all they wanted about drugs, sex, or life, and my responses would always be, “yea, okay, I already know this.” The truth is, which was later brought to my attention, I didn’t. I knew little to nothing, but I put up this huge front, which was my first major mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t say mistake, my first lesson, because there are no mistakes in life, there are only lessons or things that happen that are supposed to show us or teach us something. We grow from our mistakes and we learn from them. So, a mistake is never a negative thing unless of course harm is caused to others, for example drunk driving.
Unfortunately, negativity swept over me the minute I realized I really didn’t know anything. And, of course being a teenager I didn’t want to admit it. That was the first time I cut myself. The burden of actually not knowing killed me on the inside. I guess I just wanted to grow up too fast, and know everything, but I was rushing something that I had no control over. It felt good. Every time I cut, it was like an escape. At this time, this was the only knowledge I had. This pain and this suffering was my way of telling people I was in control but I really had no idea what the hell I was doing.
My older sister cut, and I guess that’s where I got the idea that it was okay. We go through life constantly asking all these questions, because we feel we need to have the answers. When I didn’t have the answers, I couldn’t handle it. And the knowledge I had was to release it. My best friend at the time was so smart. I was so good at hiding the marks, and then one day I thought it was a long sleeved sweater and it was three quarter lengths. That day was the first time I started getting my knowledge back. My friend told the guidance center what she saw, even though I assured her I was handling it and it was stopping, and then the school called my mom. For weeks I was seeing a social worker and a therapist once a week. Because of her, she gave me another chance to receive the answers I was so desperate to find.
Drama at school exploded, and my mom sent me to Prague with my sister who was performing at a club there. She wanted me away from the school and just some time to handle my thoughts and get myself together. This trip is where I thought I learned all my knowledge. My oldest sister is so wise, so mature, so knowledgeable, and she received all of this knowledge through experience. On this trip she told me about her struggles too, about how she had trouble in school and was sucked into drugs, but realized they were not the answer. Seeing how happy and knowledgeable she was, she had made it through; I knew I had to listen. I knew there was more I needed to learn and benefit from her mistakes. .
I came back a whole new girl. I graduated from high school a semester early, because I knew that my high school was not for me. Let me clarify, my high school was 99.5% white, middle upper class, where differences were not really accepted; instead you would get bullied for your differences. I knew it was bringing me down. I knew the catty girls and the drama were ripping me apart inside. The last semester of high school was the best four months of my life. I knew I was leaving a place I hated; I knew I would be okay and free, Prague had taught me that. I got a job as a waitress at a fine dining restaurant by my house, and followed in my other older sister’s footsteps. She warned me, there are a lot of drugs there. She told my mom she didn’t want me working there, and I said it’s okay I am strong I won’t give in. I told myself that for about a month, but I gave in.
Knowledge is iffy, because if we justify it ourselves, then anything we do or think is right. But the best knowledge is the truth that we justify. From about sixth grade till when I graduated I was being taught every year about the side effects of drugs and cigarettes, and I just didn’t care. In my head, I had it all under control and I was just having some fun. I was experimenting. I was killing myself emotionally is what I was doing. For these reasons I think that knowledge doesn’t come from being taught information. I could verbatim tell you the side effects I had been taught of pills, of uppers, of downers, of underage drinking, or of smoking cigarettes; but none of that mattered. Why? I can’t give a justified reason other than I really thought I knew what I was doing.
My new best friend at the restaurant literally turned into my drug buddy. That’s all we would do when we were together, is get high. After a month or so, those habits turned into my knowledge. They turned into my justified truths. I needed the pills to be calm, because without them I was on edge, I felt like I was living in a tunnel, and I just didn’t like life without them. Knowledge is adjustable, it constantly is changing and adapting to the individual. I shut myself out of life. I became consumed in a world that was so dark and numb, and looking back, I don’t know why I felt so happy there. I was rude and irritable 24/7. I would argue with my mom all the time, because she didn’t understand, and I stopped talking to all my friends because they didn’t understand. No one understood except my friend and me. This was my next major mistake.
My knowledge and my world were consumed by my job. I slept till I worked because that was my new “home”. When I wasn’t working I would visit, because I had nowhere else to go. I had no more answers, but I had no more questions either. I had lost all the knowledge I had gained previously, and that’s what hurt the most. I started dating a guy there, he worked in banquets and I was a waitress. I promised him over and over I would stop drugs, stop the lying, and stop the games, but I couldn’t. My friend at the time decided to tell this guy that I was cheating and messing around with other guys at work, a few days after I had told him we needed some space. He didn’t like that, nor was it true. He called me that night yelling and screaming, and I tried telling him the truth. I guess I was really that far gone, that I had even been lying to myself. I had lost all sense of hope and security, most importantly; I had no one to turn to.
The next day he came up to me when I got to work and was yelling and screaming at me. I decided to quit right then and there. I went in, tears running down my face and told my boss take me off the schedule; I was done. That’s the only thing that I did know, is I needed to get the hell away from that place. I don’t know why I knew that, but that was the only thing that felt right to me at the time. Get away from the connections, the dealers, the drama, the numbness, and just leave. Carlos, the guy I was seeing, was my wake up call. He got arrested that night just from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and about a month later was deported back to Mexico. When my boss told me, I was really lost. He was the only one that understood why I was doing what I was doing, he understood and I never had to say a word. He was my guardian angel, looking after me and I didn’t even know it.
I got home, went straight to my room and fell to the soft carpet. I couldn’t even hold back the emotion. I held my knees and rocked back and forth, my body shaking and aching uncontrollably. At this moment, I knew I had hit my all time low, and I knew I was truly alone. I felt all of these emotions at once, and I knew nothing. All I knew was I was slowly destroying my body and myself, and for so long I hadn’t cared. We may be informed of subjects, but when do we know how knowledgeable we really are on them? I realized later that my knowledge was so skewed and wrong, that I had been justifying reasons to get high, to smoke, and to hurt myself. Knowledge in adolescence is hard to obtain, but we all possess some sort of understanding of the world. Whether it is dark and dreary or light and optimistic. It took me hitting rock bottom to obtain the knowledge I have now, and my knowledge is the most valuable thing I own today.
Through experience we just fall into truths. We are taught for years to not have unprotected sex, and to always wear a condom, yet teen pregnancy seems to be more accepted now then ever. I mean we now have shows following teens around and showing the struggles or joys of being a teen mom. A lot of people have not experienced a lot of different, and that’s where I feel the world’s knowledge is so far off. Has everyone fallen into a drug addiction? Has everyone gotten so lost that they chose to cut? No, so how can the world teach us about topics it hasn’t even been through? Because let’s face it, I give the best advice on the things I have struggled through.
My friend, David, who stopped talking to me because of the drugs, told me finally to read this book. He said it helped him when he was a dealer and losing his knowledge. The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is my Bible. It’s what sparked the knowledge I have now. The idea that we create our lives, and all we have to do is put it out into the universe for it to come back to us. This book had all the answers I had been looking for, and I think that may be a reason why people find so much faith and belief in the Bible, and hence why this book is my Bible. I found faith and belief in this author’s words and thoughts. The book justified my beliefs, just like the Bible justifies others’ beliefs.
It is always hard coming to terms with the truth, and it’s never easy admitting what we try so hard to deny. I denied and denied that I was an addict, because I didn’t want to be. But the minute I came to terms with the issue, was the moment I received my knowledge back. A lot of the time, it seems that when others lose their knowledge, they let it stay lost. They lose themselves and everything that goes along with them, and don’t know how to get the truth back. People seem to not want to or can’t come to terms with reality, and that’s where their knowledge becomes vulnerable. They don’t want it to be true so they ignore whatever is going on, and lose light of their truths. They hide from the truth and take cover under the lies that have become reality.
Honestly, knowledge is hard to define. The best way for me to explain what it means to me is that it’s obtained through experience and is the lessons we learn from these experiences. We are continually gaining and losing knowledge, because we continue to experience. Right now, about a year after I felt I had lost it all, I am now experiencing life at a whole new level. I completely turned my life around, and am experiencing and living life as best I can. Knowledge is appreciating life, appreciating people, and appreciating everything in general. Knowledge can be perspective, because someone else who hands in this paper may see knowledge as being something completely different. They may see it as the understanding of material. That knowledge is gained through learning in school. Every definition of knowledge is right, because like I said earlier, it is justified belief. As long as we feel it, it’s right.
Once we obtain a good base of knowledge, we then start to listen to our subconscious. It will tell us if we are doing something right or wrong, it will give us an insight to what we should or shouldn’t do. Knowledge is there to guide us through life because everything happens for a reason. Because of these reasons I now feel my knowledge is reliable. I know when or where to stop, I know what is right or wrong, and this knowledge is all in my heart. In some ways, these reasons could make my knowledge vulnerable. There is no outline to my knowledge, it just is, and I live life based off of what I know. Other people don’t seem to do that. They live life off of what they want to do, not what they know. That’s why I became lost, that’s why more teens are getting pregnant, and that’s why all of these uncertainties flood people’s lives, because they do what they want to do.
Every action we do has consequences, whether they are good or bad. Therefore our knowledge can have good and bad consequences as well. My knowledge is more advanced than a lot of people my age; I have experienced and lived a lot more than I thought I was going to. People are constantly telling me I am wiser beyond my almost 20 years, so, when people come to me for advice, I have a lot more to say and a lot more options for what they can do. The best consequence is that knowledge is about giving; we shouldn’t keep our knowledge to ourselves. We need to spread it and teach others what we struggled to find. Because of things we have been through, we can help others get through them in a better way than we did. Knowledge is about living. People live their lives, but not in a knowledgeable way. How can we fix this? How do we get people to retain the knowledge our parents, teachers, siblings, and or friends try to teach us? All we can do is try to teach; the knowledgeable will listen, and the others will figure it out on their own.
My family has taught me to figure one thing out on my own, to love with all of your heart. Find someone you trust, love, can’t do without and hold on to them. For practically my whole life I have grown up around arguments, verbal abuse, and vulnerability. The last ten years have been my dad emotionally and physically abandoning the family. Always “working” and providing for the family he says. My mom raised me, and taught me not to do physical or emotional harm to others, that giving makes others feel good so I learn to give, and give all of me. This lesson hasn’t always benefited me, because people thought they could step all over me, use me, or bully me. Not everyone has come from the same background, but our backgrounds and experiences have taught us what we know now.
I know who I am, and I know where I have been. I am not ashamed of my past; I embrace it. I have learned and continue to learn a lot from my mom and those around me. She has so much knowledge, and tries to share it with my sisters and I; now that we are knowledgeable, we listen. Now that we understand, and have tested our understanding of the world, we listen. I think that’s what adolescence is all about though, experimenting and testing the world till we figure out our own meanings. And that’s what I did, that’s what the world does. We try new things or try new ways, and eventually we will end up where we are supposed to be in life, and maybe that life isn’t as long as we had hoped. Some people get so lost they do irreparable harm to themselves, but maybe they have learned all they can. Their reason for doing so is to teach the people around them to wake up, soak in the knowledge, and live life.
Another thing, life is never easy. Every day we are challenged, tempted, and confused. That’s what makes my knowledge so special to me. I had to work really hard to finally receive it, and I’m still not done experiencing. Our lives are built off of knowledge; we don’t necessarily need to understand we just need to know. We don’t need to know why things are happening; we just need to know that it was supposed to happen. People may want to know the reasons behind events that occur, because the situation probably isn’t normal or isn’t what society has set up for us to believe is supposed to happen. The one question I would always ask myself is, “why is this happening to me?” I never understood, and I still don’t understand. I just know that I had to go through addictions, struggles, and overcoming all of them in order to be who I am and to be where I am.
On that note, the media doesn’t help people obtain knowledge. The media helps build a fake knowledge that people see to be true; in other words, they justify fake beliefs. They teach girls they need to be a size two in order to be pretty, it teaches us that acne is ugly, and it teaches us that we need to dress a certain way to “fit in” or be “normal”. But what I wonder is, when was this decided to be the world’s justified belief, and who decides these truths? So, when does it stop? When do we start accumulating our knowledge instead of having it go in one ear and out the other? When did it become acceptable for people to do wrong, when we know we should be doing right? Is it because that’s all they know, or is it because they just really don’t care? Does our own personal knowledge affect what we do, and if so how can we prove this?
I could sit here all night typing this paper about why I understand where most of the world today gets their “knowledge”, because I really don’t. I could talk about my knowledge and how I got my knowledge all night, but regardless some people just won’t listen. It’s like…what’s one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. We are so quick to forget and we all take so much for granted it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what people see as knowledge, because now a days it seems people are forgetting to think before they do. But let’s be honest, as this paper has been as honest as I can make it, we really should just go off of our own knowledge. The world and society makes up a lot of rules, laws, ideals, morals, etc. that we should follow, but who is to say that these rules, laws, ideals, morals etc. are right? I mean, many of them are right, but some of them, like it’s illegal for partners of same sex in some states to get married is not fair, nor is it right. The world’s knowledge is a lot of perspective and what they think is best for the world, but do they really know what is best for 7 billion people?
My knowledge tells me to follow my heart and what I feel is right, because as you have learned, from what I know now, have done a lot of wrongs. But that’s okay; those wrongs brought me here, Syracuse University. I have done everything in my power to turn my life around and be the best I can be. My knowledge is my treasure, it is something I appreciate everyday, why shouldn’t I? I know how it feels to feel like you have absolutely no knowledge at all. So now all I can do is embrace life and use the knowledge I have gained through experience to guide me to where I want to be, and help others along the way.
As always,
-Miss Optimistic
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Best Meal of the Day!
Hello Internet-
Breakfast time isn't it? It's funny, because they always say that breakfast is the best meal of the day. They may be right, may not be...I think it depends on the person, but honestly- what better time to think through things when you have a little snack in your hands. :-)
Life isn't necessarily all about waking up grabbing breakfast and then on the go to school, work, or wherever you go. A lot of us get in these funks where we are almost too comfortable with life. Don't relax. Change it up.
I recently haven't been too optimistic. It's been really hard for me to continue posting when the gloominess of my head has just taken over. But I keep staying optimistic that I'm going to get over this. I mean, that's all we can do. Is push through it and get to the end of the tunnel.
There has been a lot I have learned in the last month or two and I can't quite channel it into words to portray to you. All that I have done and gone through, and yet...my blog stays blank. I always think the best time to think is in the shower or when I am eating. Two places/times you can never go wrong. AND! The thoughts go into the trash you throw out after you are done eating, and the thoughts rush down the drain while you're in the shower.
So, if you're breakfast isn't doing it...try just thinking about your life, where you are going, what you are doing, who you want to be with, who are you going to be with, etc. Internet, there are questions to life that can never be answered- but don't let that hesitate you. Go get the answers you want. Sit down and eat some breakfast instead of grabbing a bar on the go, and have some time to yourself.
-Miss Optimistic
Breakfast time isn't it? It's funny, because they always say that breakfast is the best meal of the day. They may be right, may not be...I think it depends on the person, but honestly- what better time to think through things when you have a little snack in your hands. :-)
Life isn't necessarily all about waking up grabbing breakfast and then on the go to school, work, or wherever you go. A lot of us get in these funks where we are almost too comfortable with life. Don't relax. Change it up.
I recently haven't been too optimistic. It's been really hard for me to continue posting when the gloominess of my head has just taken over. But I keep staying optimistic that I'm going to get over this. I mean, that's all we can do. Is push through it and get to the end of the tunnel.
There has been a lot I have learned in the last month or two and I can't quite channel it into words to portray to you. All that I have done and gone through, and yet...my blog stays blank. I always think the best time to think is in the shower or when I am eating. Two places/times you can never go wrong. AND! The thoughts go into the trash you throw out after you are done eating, and the thoughts rush down the drain while you're in the shower.
So, if you're breakfast isn't doing it...try just thinking about your life, where you are going, what you are doing, who you want to be with, who are you going to be with, etc. Internet, there are questions to life that can never be answered- but don't let that hesitate you. Go get the answers you want. Sit down and eat some breakfast instead of grabbing a bar on the go, and have some time to yourself.
-Miss Optimistic
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Poem?
Regret
My eyes start swelling,
I can feel it coming.
All the regret and guilt
Is finally creeping down my cheek.
The pain the sorrow,
Is mine nothing you want to borrow.
All that I have built
Is finally falling into the creek.
Alone is how I feel,
I have lost a way to deal.
And I hurt you so bad,
It’s tearing me up inside.
A lost soul,
Out in the cold.
And I am more than sad,
All because I lied.
I promise you my heart
No more shots in the dark.
It is you and me forever,
This is the only thing I know.
Just know how sorry I am,
And that you are my only man.
I am done trying to be clever,
Because we will never sink below.
My eyes start swelling,
I can feel it coming.
All the regret and guilt
Is finally creeping down my cheek.
The pain the sorrow,
Is mine nothing you want to borrow.
All that I have built
Is finally falling into the creek.
Alone is how I feel,
I have lost a way to deal.
And I hurt you so bad,
It’s tearing me up inside.
A lost soul,
Out in the cold.
And I am more than sad,
All because I lied.
I promise you my heart
No more shots in the dark.
It is you and me forever,
This is the only thing I know.
Just know how sorry I am,
And that you are my only man.
I am done trying to be clever,
Because we will never sink below.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tired of Waiting
Hello Internet-
I am going to warn you- this is going to be a rant, because we all need to vent :-).
I am so tired of waiting. I am tired of waiting for people to start caring, for people to appreciate what they have. I'm so tired of people treating others like shit, for people being rude, dishonest, or just plain dumb. When are we going to learn?!
We all have emotions. We all hurt, are happy, laugh, cry, the list could go on. I am just so tired! Every new experience I go through just tires me. How can you abandon a family? How can you cheat on a girlfriend, or have an affair behind your wife's back? How can you cheat in general- on a test, on anything? How can you lie? How can you back-stab? I don't understand how people go through life treating others like shit and walking all over people to get where they want to be.
A thought was brought to my attention earlier. What if they constantly do this to you because they like the reaction they get. I don't see how! All I do is curl up in a ball and not talk, well even less than I was before. How can someone sit there and watch that happen? How does anyone feel okay with knowing someone is hurting or some one isn't okay? I'm not saying people like to see me curled up in a ball hurt, but let's be honest. I have had 5 people in my life push and push when they know something is not right, and three of those people are family members. Maybe one or two more, but that's it. Normally people just let you keep doing you.
I came across a poem today, it talked about us having masks on so that no one knows something is wrong when we are really dying on the inside. HOW TRUE IS THIS INTERNET!??!?! I do it all the time. AND I'M SO DAMN TIRED OF WEARING THAT FUCKING MASK!! UGH!!!!
But then the issue comes in to...when did it all start? Cause now I've been wearing that mask and now all my emotions are jumbled into one and who the fuck knows where all of the tears and pain are coming from. We need to find those people that are tired of waiting too. Tired of waiting for the world to change.
Like the king of pop says, it starts with us.
"I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways.
And no message could have been any clearer.
If you want to make the world a better place,
Take a look at yourself then. make. that. change!!!" - Michael Jackson R.I.P
How the fuck are we supposed to look at ourselves and change a whole society full of ignorant assholes?? I'm tired of waiting. I've looked in the mirror and changed my ways, so why the fuck haven't other people?!?!
Do you know what I mean internet??
-Miss Optimistic
Need advice? E-mail optimisticvoice@yahoo.com
I am going to warn you- this is going to be a rant, because we all need to vent :-).
I am so tired of waiting. I am tired of waiting for people to start caring, for people to appreciate what they have. I'm so tired of people treating others like shit, for people being rude, dishonest, or just plain dumb. When are we going to learn?!
We all have emotions. We all hurt, are happy, laugh, cry, the list could go on. I am just so tired! Every new experience I go through just tires me. How can you abandon a family? How can you cheat on a girlfriend, or have an affair behind your wife's back? How can you cheat in general- on a test, on anything? How can you lie? How can you back-stab? I don't understand how people go through life treating others like shit and walking all over people to get where they want to be.
A thought was brought to my attention earlier. What if they constantly do this to you because they like the reaction they get. I don't see how! All I do is curl up in a ball and not talk, well even less than I was before. How can someone sit there and watch that happen? How does anyone feel okay with knowing someone is hurting or some one isn't okay? I'm not saying people like to see me curled up in a ball hurt, but let's be honest. I have had 5 people in my life push and push when they know something is not right, and three of those people are family members. Maybe one or two more, but that's it. Normally people just let you keep doing you.
I came across a poem today, it talked about us having masks on so that no one knows something is wrong when we are really dying on the inside. HOW TRUE IS THIS INTERNET!??!?! I do it all the time. AND I'M SO DAMN TIRED OF WEARING THAT FUCKING MASK!! UGH!!!!
But then the issue comes in to...when did it all start? Cause now I've been wearing that mask and now all my emotions are jumbled into one and who the fuck knows where all of the tears and pain are coming from. We need to find those people that are tired of waiting too. Tired of waiting for the world to change.
Like the king of pop says, it starts with us.
"I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways.
And no message could have been any clearer.
If you want to make the world a better place,
Take a look at yourself then. make. that. change!!!" - Michael Jackson R.I.P
How the fuck are we supposed to look at ourselves and change a whole society full of ignorant assholes?? I'm tired of waiting. I've looked in the mirror and changed my ways, so why the fuck haven't other people?!?!
Do you know what I mean internet??
-Miss Optimistic
Need advice? E-mail optimisticvoice@yahoo.com
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Who Knows?
Hello Internet-
Today I came across a quote-
"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." - Marcus Aurelius
This is something I have heard over and over again, but have never heard it this way. How true though? How do we know things are facts or truths- it's all just how we see the world. We can make anything we want it to be as long as we believe. As long as we have our perspectives and opinions, it is ours.
Know what you have, what you know, what you think, what you feel- because when it comes down to it..that's all that matters. Fuck what the world says, because who is to say they are even right?
-Miss Optimistic
Today I came across a quote-
"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." - Marcus Aurelius
This is something I have heard over and over again, but have never heard it this way. How true though? How do we know things are facts or truths- it's all just how we see the world. We can make anything we want it to be as long as we believe. As long as we have our perspectives and opinions, it is ours.
Know what you have, what you know, what you think, what you feel- because when it comes down to it..that's all that matters. Fuck what the world says, because who is to say they are even right?
-Miss Optimistic
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Questions
Hello Internet-
Since, the title is questions, why not start out with one? There are always questions, and 99.9% of the time, we probably don't know the answers to them. Questions keep us pushing but they can also hold us back. They help us obtain knowledge, help us adjust knowledge, and help us lose knowledge. How can we find these answers? And why do we always need these answers?
There are always those moments in life where we just don't know. We don't even know the questions to be asked, or how to answer questions that may be asked. We look to others to just help, in any way they can. We look for anything to explain what could possibly be going on inside. You shouldn't have to look hard. There are always reasons for everything. Every feeling, every thought, every action, and every breathe. We are always going toward where we are supposed to be.
Our emotions may be just pushing us away from something or toward something else. So right now, I am question and answerless. It's late, I'm tired, my mind is next to blank, and it's all just numb. The part that sucks the most, is I did nothing to get into this state. I didn't take anything, I didn't do anything, this is just me right now. And it's weird, ever since I've been back at school, ever since all this family shit has exploded- that's all things are to me is dull or numb. I would much rather take something to make me feel this way, then not understand why I am feeling this way.
I think we all feel this way. We all would rather have the answers, then be the ones asking the questions. I thought I was always the one with the answers, that any one could come to me, and I could have the advice, I could help, and it's now that I realize I don't know how. Yes some of you read this blog, and have told me how I am so good with words, I am so wise, etc. But how can I sit here and give you advice when I can't even give myself advice.
I guess that is the lesson of this post- one can never turn to themselves for advice. I think that's why I'm here right now. I kept telling myself I had it, that I was okay, that I was handling my emotions okay, and then all of a sudden it get's blown in my face. Like HAHAHA!! YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE!!!
I told a friend the other day, people give the best advice on the parts of life they need advice on. If that makes sense, I hope it does. I guess I'm saying, never try to help yourself, most of the time, it just leads you to confusion and dullness.
Yeah, I don't know.
-Miss Optimistic
Since, the title is questions, why not start out with one? There are always questions, and 99.9% of the time, we probably don't know the answers to them. Questions keep us pushing but they can also hold us back. They help us obtain knowledge, help us adjust knowledge, and help us lose knowledge. How can we find these answers? And why do we always need these answers?
There are always those moments in life where we just don't know. We don't even know the questions to be asked, or how to answer questions that may be asked. We look to others to just help, in any way they can. We look for anything to explain what could possibly be going on inside. You shouldn't have to look hard. There are always reasons for everything. Every feeling, every thought, every action, and every breathe. We are always going toward where we are supposed to be.
Our emotions may be just pushing us away from something or toward something else. So right now, I am question and answerless. It's late, I'm tired, my mind is next to blank, and it's all just numb. The part that sucks the most, is I did nothing to get into this state. I didn't take anything, I didn't do anything, this is just me right now. And it's weird, ever since I've been back at school, ever since all this family shit has exploded- that's all things are to me is dull or numb. I would much rather take something to make me feel this way, then not understand why I am feeling this way.
I think we all feel this way. We all would rather have the answers, then be the ones asking the questions. I thought I was always the one with the answers, that any one could come to me, and I could have the advice, I could help, and it's now that I realize I don't know how. Yes some of you read this blog, and have told me how I am so good with words, I am so wise, etc. But how can I sit here and give you advice when I can't even give myself advice.
I guess that is the lesson of this post- one can never turn to themselves for advice. I think that's why I'm here right now. I kept telling myself I had it, that I was okay, that I was handling my emotions okay, and then all of a sudden it get's blown in my face. Like HAHAHA!! YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE!!!
I told a friend the other day, people give the best advice on the parts of life they need advice on. If that makes sense, I hope it does. I guess I'm saying, never try to help yourself, most of the time, it just leads you to confusion and dullness.
Yeah, I don't know.
-Miss Optimistic
Monday, August 30, 2010
I Hate How They Flake!!!
Hello Internet-
So inspired by a dear friend- I think our society needs to be more aware of their words and actions. If you say you are going to do something- do it. Don't play nice either- if you don't like me, TELL ME! If you do like me, great...cause I'm a really good person :-)
I guess I don't mean to be so blunt about all of this. A few posts ago, I talked about this hazy feeling blah blah blah a lot of not optimistic views, but today I am going to turn that around. Because!!! A friend of mine kinda feels the same way. He doesn't really know what's going on, but knows something isn't right. The best way he could get it all out to me is, "I want somebody that's really there for me...somebody I shouldn't have to tell everyday- text me back, shit like that! I'm done being polite and courteous to people!"
How can I respond to that? How do I tell someone that it's okay, just find a real person? That's all I could do. And to me that hurts. It's hard when people feel this way, because honestly- we feel that since we are surrounded by fake people- that is all that is out there. But then, 5 minutes later he's saying how he wishes he could hang with me more and stuff because I'm the realest person he's ever met. SO! My point is, if I'm real, there are other real people out there.
Flakes are SO EASY TO FIND NOW A DAY!!!! On college campus' especially. It's like people are soooo into themselves, they don't have time to stop thinking about themselves for 2 minutes!!! And how did this happen? Who is to blame? The Internet, Media, our parents, ourselves?! How can we pinpoint who's fault this is Internet- when such a large portion of society seems to be flakey altogether!?
As sad as this is- my advice when you come across these kinds of people- either a. FUCK 'EM, or b. Just put up with them and don't expect anything from them. They have their mind set, and they are who they are...it takes a lot to change someone. If they don't realize it and you bring it to their attention that is one thing, but someone who has been told and still is just so conceited is in their own little world.
But my point Internet-
Sometimes we have to deal with self-centered people, but the less you are self-centered, the more non-conceited people you will find you are surrounded by :-).
-Miss Optimistic
So inspired by a dear friend- I think our society needs to be more aware of their words and actions. If you say you are going to do something- do it. Don't play nice either- if you don't like me, TELL ME! If you do like me, great...cause I'm a really good person :-)
I guess I don't mean to be so blunt about all of this. A few posts ago, I talked about this hazy feeling blah blah blah a lot of not optimistic views, but today I am going to turn that around. Because!!! A friend of mine kinda feels the same way. He doesn't really know what's going on, but knows something isn't right. The best way he could get it all out to me is, "I want somebody that's really there for me...somebody I shouldn't have to tell everyday- text me back, shit like that! I'm done being polite and courteous to people!"
How can I respond to that? How do I tell someone that it's okay, just find a real person? That's all I could do. And to me that hurts. It's hard when people feel this way, because honestly- we feel that since we are surrounded by fake people- that is all that is out there. But then, 5 minutes later he's saying how he wishes he could hang with me more and stuff because I'm the realest person he's ever met. SO! My point is, if I'm real, there are other real people out there.
Flakes are SO EASY TO FIND NOW A DAY!!!! On college campus' especially. It's like people are soooo into themselves, they don't have time to stop thinking about themselves for 2 minutes!!! And how did this happen? Who is to blame? The Internet, Media, our parents, ourselves?! How can we pinpoint who's fault this is Internet- when such a large portion of society seems to be flakey altogether!?
As sad as this is- my advice when you come across these kinds of people- either a. FUCK 'EM, or b. Just put up with them and don't expect anything from them. They have their mind set, and they are who they are...it takes a lot to change someone. If they don't realize it and you bring it to their attention that is one thing, but someone who has been told and still is just so conceited is in their own little world.
But my point Internet-
Sometimes we have to deal with self-centered people, but the less you are self-centered, the more non-conceited people you will find you are surrounded by :-).
-Miss Optimistic
Let The Fear be Gone.
Hello Internet:
So, I got an e-mail today from the Secret scrolls...this is what it said.
"There is a difference between feeling gratitude and appreciation for something, and feeling attachment to something. Appreciation and gratitude are states of pure love, while attachment contains fear - fear of losing or not having what you are attached to. When it comes to something you want in your life, appreciation and gratitude attracts, and attachment pushes away. If you are feeling afraid that you will not get what you want, or losing what you have, then you have attachment.
To remove the attachment, keep shifting yourself into a state of appreciation and gratitude, until you can feel that the fear has gone."
-Rhonda Byrne
It's funny that I got this when I did. Life just works that way, to give us little reminders :-).
Attachment is a difficult topic for a lot of people, as is fear. We are all afraid of things. Once we get into comfortable situations, we fear what we'd be like outside of those situations. When we've been with someone for so long, how do we let it go? How do we know we will truly be okay without them? If we've been in a job for so long, how do we leave it? I guess the thing is, is we are always afraid of change.
We are afraid of losing something we don't know if we want to get rid of. We are so caught up in the comfort of everything going on in our lives, that when we decide to get rid of it- there is always that "what if" side of us that takes over...to cover up our fear. Why is it so hard for us to let go?
We want what we have, and then once we try to let it go, we tighten our grip. We want that blanket when it's cold. We want to feel safe, and the things that make us feel safe, may necessarily not be making us happy. So don't think about the safety blanket- think about if you're happy or not- and if you are...keep it around. But be GRATEFUL AND APPRECIATIVE of it while it is around. If you aren't happy Internet- let the fear be gone, and let it go.
Something better is coming along for you...trust me :-)
-Miss Optimistic
So, I got an e-mail today from the Secret scrolls...this is what it said.
"There is a difference between feeling gratitude and appreciation for something, and feeling attachment to something. Appreciation and gratitude are states of pure love, while attachment contains fear - fear of losing or not having what you are attached to. When it comes to something you want in your life, appreciation and gratitude attracts, and attachment pushes away. If you are feeling afraid that you will not get what you want, or losing what you have, then you have attachment.
To remove the attachment, keep shifting yourself into a state of appreciation and gratitude, until you can feel that the fear has gone."
-Rhonda Byrne
It's funny that I got this when I did. Life just works that way, to give us little reminders :-).
Attachment is a difficult topic for a lot of people, as is fear. We are all afraid of things. Once we get into comfortable situations, we fear what we'd be like outside of those situations. When we've been with someone for so long, how do we let it go? How do we know we will truly be okay without them? If we've been in a job for so long, how do we leave it? I guess the thing is, is we are always afraid of change.
We are afraid of losing something we don't know if we want to get rid of. We are so caught up in the comfort of everything going on in our lives, that when we decide to get rid of it- there is always that "what if" side of us that takes over...to cover up our fear. Why is it so hard for us to let go?
We want what we have, and then once we try to let it go, we tighten our grip. We want that blanket when it's cold. We want to feel safe, and the things that make us feel safe, may necessarily not be making us happy. So don't think about the safety blanket- think about if you're happy or not- and if you are...keep it around. But be GRATEFUL AND APPRECIATIVE of it while it is around. If you aren't happy Internet- let the fear be gone, and let it go.
Something better is coming along for you...trust me :-)
-Miss Optimistic
Friday, August 27, 2010
My Mind Is Blank...?
Hello Internet-
I am very sleep deprived right now, and honestly my mind is just blank. I don't really have thoughts, I don't really feel, I just kinda feel like I'm in a foggy haze right now. I don't know if it's from not sleeping or just what it is.
I found a quote online though- "Stop existing and start living." - Anonymous
I stopped when I read it- because since my mind is so blank, I couldn't even figure out what it meant. I stared at it for a while; questioning things, wondering things, and then it just kinda came to me. How many of us are really living and how many of us are just walking through life and crossing days off the calendar?
The last week I feel I have just been walking through and crossing days off the calendar. I haven't felt anything really significant in a while, except when I lay down and close my eyes. How can we go from being completely up beat and happy to numb and hazy?
We have all experienced days/times like these Internet, and honestly I have no advice other than there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The one thing that just really bothers me when I feel like this is when people constantly keep asking if I'm okay, if somethings wrong. Because I don't think anything is wrong...I just don't feel 100% myself, and how do you tell someone that?
I think I need sleep. I think that's it, but how can I use that as an excuse? I have been living my life though. As fully as I can...and I guess that's all I can do for right now.
-Miss Semi-Optimistic?
I am very sleep deprived right now, and honestly my mind is just blank. I don't really have thoughts, I don't really feel, I just kinda feel like I'm in a foggy haze right now. I don't know if it's from not sleeping or just what it is.
I found a quote online though- "Stop existing and start living." - Anonymous
I stopped when I read it- because since my mind is so blank, I couldn't even figure out what it meant. I stared at it for a while; questioning things, wondering things, and then it just kinda came to me. How many of us are really living and how many of us are just walking through life and crossing days off the calendar?
The last week I feel I have just been walking through and crossing days off the calendar. I haven't felt anything really significant in a while, except when I lay down and close my eyes. How can we go from being completely up beat and happy to numb and hazy?
We have all experienced days/times like these Internet, and honestly I have no advice other than there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The one thing that just really bothers me when I feel like this is when people constantly keep asking if I'm okay, if somethings wrong. Because I don't think anything is wrong...I just don't feel 100% myself, and how do you tell someone that?
I think I need sleep. I think that's it, but how can I use that as an excuse? I have been living my life though. As fully as I can...and I guess that's all I can do for right now.
-Miss Semi-Optimistic?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
A Comfy Shoulder
Hello Internet-
I know I know, again it has been a while, and for that I apologize. Life has been throwing me obstacles right and left to try and hurdle some how...I guess that just means more lessons for you to enjoy! :-)
The last few days have been hard. I've been feeling very lonely, very tired, and constantly thinking. A scare, for right now, has opened my eyes to how important people are in your life. I know I say this often- but we so easily take people for granted who are the most important and most influential in our lives. So take a step back, and Internet I challenge you to think: What if that person died tomorrow? What would you have done differently? What would you have told them in their last few hours? What would you have done with them, etc? And after you think about them- FUCKING DO THEM!!!! Don't just think...because in case it has not been proven to you yet- ACTIONS ARE LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!! Step up and show that person how important they are to you.
Today- a good friend and I had some free time and just sat and talked for a few hours. I vented with all the stuff my mind keeps going to, and he listened, commented, and sympathized...and for once, I enjoyed the sympathy I was receiving. I didn't feel alone anymore, and I felt like someone was actually listening to me. Sure, people listen all the time to me ramble on, and you guys who read this may or may not listen to my posts...but regardless, I still write. I don't quite know what it is about just going to someone different for once, but it's always nice to just have that comfy shoulder to lean on...especially when life seems to be pulling you down with it.
I know things will be getting better soon, but my mentality is live in the moment- and right now, I just don't feel optimistic or happy. I feel tired and frustrated. I feel confused. I feel upset and angry. I feel all these emotions and I don't quite know how to put them all together into one sentence to get people to understand how I feel right now. That's the one thing that just sometimes frustrates me with some of my close friends- it just seems like they don't get it...they may not understand the struggles or hardships that come along. Everyone's life is different...but it's hard to deal with people who seem to deal with nothing.
So I say thank you to that friend...for listening and giving me advice. I want you to know that your time today was greatly appreciated...and you made my day just that much better.
Before I sign off for the night Internet- I want you to realize...it's okay to branch out to people. Find that Comfy Shoulder...because to tell you the truth- without them...who knows where our world would be. AND! Don't hesitate to ever offer yours...who knows what yours could prevent.
-Miss Optimistic
I know I know, again it has been a while, and for that I apologize. Life has been throwing me obstacles right and left to try and hurdle some how...I guess that just means more lessons for you to enjoy! :-)
The last few days have been hard. I've been feeling very lonely, very tired, and constantly thinking. A scare, for right now, has opened my eyes to how important people are in your life. I know I say this often- but we so easily take people for granted who are the most important and most influential in our lives. So take a step back, and Internet I challenge you to think: What if that person died tomorrow? What would you have done differently? What would you have told them in their last few hours? What would you have done with them, etc? And after you think about them- FUCKING DO THEM!!!! Don't just think...because in case it has not been proven to you yet- ACTIONS ARE LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!! Step up and show that person how important they are to you.
Today- a good friend and I had some free time and just sat and talked for a few hours. I vented with all the stuff my mind keeps going to, and he listened, commented, and sympathized...and for once, I enjoyed the sympathy I was receiving. I didn't feel alone anymore, and I felt like someone was actually listening to me. Sure, people listen all the time to me ramble on, and you guys who read this may or may not listen to my posts...but regardless, I still write. I don't quite know what it is about just going to someone different for once, but it's always nice to just have that comfy shoulder to lean on...especially when life seems to be pulling you down with it.
I know things will be getting better soon, but my mentality is live in the moment- and right now, I just don't feel optimistic or happy. I feel tired and frustrated. I feel confused. I feel upset and angry. I feel all these emotions and I don't quite know how to put them all together into one sentence to get people to understand how I feel right now. That's the one thing that just sometimes frustrates me with some of my close friends- it just seems like they don't get it...they may not understand the struggles or hardships that come along. Everyone's life is different...but it's hard to deal with people who seem to deal with nothing.
So I say thank you to that friend...for listening and giving me advice. I want you to know that your time today was greatly appreciated...and you made my day just that much better.
Before I sign off for the night Internet- I want you to realize...it's okay to branch out to people. Find that Comfy Shoulder...because to tell you the truth- without them...who knows where our world would be. AND! Don't hesitate to ever offer yours...who knows what yours could prevent.
-Miss Optimistic
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Happiness
Hello Internet-
So as I am attempting to repack all my belongings for yet another year of school...I find myself procrastinating- as always :-).
Last night I was going through some images and came across this quote:
"When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'Happy.' They told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life."- Anonymous
And, as much as I love school, when you think about it- they put a lot of bull shit into your mind. How could you tell a child that being happy was misunderstanding an assignment. They do say- laughter is the best medicine, so how could being happy be wrong in what they want to be?
School's have become so black and white that things have to be right or they are wrong. Why can't there be different versions of things? Why can't we just be open to what we want to be open to? Why do we need to specify what we are or where we are going or who we want to be? Why does society make it "normal" for us to have everything so clean cut and put out for everyone else...like airing our laundry out in the back yard.
Life is not that way at all...so when is our society going to realize this? Maybe never. School is great for us to learn and to expand our minds- but when has it been the school's job to tell us what is right or wrong with our future?
It's funny I've been trying to get in touch with my school for the last week, because I need to get into this class, and no one is around. I keep getting voicemails and empty promises...so how can school's sit there and say they put their students first, when they can't even answer a phone? How can school's say they put their students first when they are trying to mold their minds into believing something that may not even be 100% true.
My point Internet- is be open to everything. If you hear it, it very well may not be true. Listen to everything, but believe what, in your heart, feels right.
-Miss Optimistic
So as I am attempting to repack all my belongings for yet another year of school...I find myself procrastinating- as always :-).
Last night I was going through some images and came across this quote:
"When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'Happy.' They told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life."- Anonymous
And, as much as I love school, when you think about it- they put a lot of bull shit into your mind. How could you tell a child that being happy was misunderstanding an assignment. They do say- laughter is the best medicine, so how could being happy be wrong in what they want to be?
School's have become so black and white that things have to be right or they are wrong. Why can't there be different versions of things? Why can't we just be open to what we want to be open to? Why do we need to specify what we are or where we are going or who we want to be? Why does society make it "normal" for us to have everything so clean cut and put out for everyone else...like airing our laundry out in the back yard.
Life is not that way at all...so when is our society going to realize this? Maybe never. School is great for us to learn and to expand our minds- but when has it been the school's job to tell us what is right or wrong with our future?
It's funny I've been trying to get in touch with my school for the last week, because I need to get into this class, and no one is around. I keep getting voicemails and empty promises...so how can school's sit there and say they put their students first, when they can't even answer a phone? How can school's say they put their students first when they are trying to mold their minds into believing something that may not even be 100% true.
My point Internet- is be open to everything. If you hear it, it very well may not be true. Listen to everything, but believe what, in your heart, feels right.
-Miss Optimistic
Friday, August 6, 2010
Little White Lies
Hello Internet-
Double take today, but I have something on my mind. We have all done it, and we all are guilty of probably doing it to cover up the original one- we lie. Sometimes we lie about stupid things, but other times we lie to not hurt the other person involved. Sometimes we lie about big things, but other times we lie to just not look so bad. We do it all the time...some of us. Unfortunately, what happens if we get caught in a lie- we lie some more right?
So, here you are a few months, years, how ever long later, living lie on top of lie on top of lie. How do you keep them all straight?? You can't. A lie is something that is so wrong you can't take it back. Once it's out of your mouth, how do you have the heart to tell someone you lied?? It's next to impossible. So we live off these lies that in our heads become reality.
MY point Internet...is why lie? What is so hard about being honest? We all know the truth fucking hurts- because we live it every day...so why is it so easy to just create a lie in our heads?
Advice- just DON'T DO IT!!! Lying says a lot about who you are as a person- and all it's really saying is: coward, fake, and asshole. ALL negative...so where is the good in that?
Stay positive, and if you tell the truth you will be rewarded, lie and karma will come to pay you a visit :-).
-Miss Optimistic
Double take today, but I have something on my mind. We have all done it, and we all are guilty of probably doing it to cover up the original one- we lie. Sometimes we lie about stupid things, but other times we lie to not hurt the other person involved. Sometimes we lie about big things, but other times we lie to just not look so bad. We do it all the time...some of us. Unfortunately, what happens if we get caught in a lie- we lie some more right?
So, here you are a few months, years, how ever long later, living lie on top of lie on top of lie. How do you keep them all straight?? You can't. A lie is something that is so wrong you can't take it back. Once it's out of your mouth, how do you have the heart to tell someone you lied?? It's next to impossible. So we live off these lies that in our heads become reality.
MY point Internet...is why lie? What is so hard about being honest? We all know the truth fucking hurts- because we live it every day...so why is it so easy to just create a lie in our heads?
Advice- just DON'T DO IT!!! Lying says a lot about who you are as a person- and all it's really saying is: coward, fake, and asshole. ALL negative...so where is the good in that?
Stay positive, and if you tell the truth you will be rewarded, lie and karma will come to pay you a visit :-).
-Miss Optimistic
The Freak Out!
Hello Internet-
So, again it has been quite a while since my last post, but I have been traveling and just have been lazy and not had any other thoughts to cross my mind to write about. Until- today. Relationships are always hard at times and even worse at others- but you can learn the most from the downs of a relationship.
Last night, I had my "freak out". I can't figure out my school's class thing, and it has been stressing me out. Not only did it stress me, but because I was stressed- it stressed my boyfriend as well. He claims he was trying to help make me feel better the whole time, but really- what do we want when we have these "freak outs"? We want it to be better, right? We just don't want to feel the anxiety and the uncertainties rushing through our minds.
Then, this morning, I had to deal with my mom about the whole issue, and it's hard being told things from her that I've been writing about here. Yes, I know she has learned a lot in her life time...but it's always hard being a kid and still just not quite wanting to hear what your parents have to say.
The point of this post- I'm not really sure as of now. I just know that we all have these moments in life where we get stressed and aren't really sure what to do. And my advice, it'll all work out how it's supposed to. It may suck living through it, but that's life...as we know it.
Have faith that this world is taking you where you are supposed to go, and it'll all work out.
-Miss Optimistic
So, again it has been quite a while since my last post, but I have been traveling and just have been lazy and not had any other thoughts to cross my mind to write about. Until- today. Relationships are always hard at times and even worse at others- but you can learn the most from the downs of a relationship.
Last night, I had my "freak out". I can't figure out my school's class thing, and it has been stressing me out. Not only did it stress me, but because I was stressed- it stressed my boyfriend as well. He claims he was trying to help make me feel better the whole time, but really- what do we want when we have these "freak outs"? We want it to be better, right? We just don't want to feel the anxiety and the uncertainties rushing through our minds.
Then, this morning, I had to deal with my mom about the whole issue, and it's hard being told things from her that I've been writing about here. Yes, I know she has learned a lot in her life time...but it's always hard being a kid and still just not quite wanting to hear what your parents have to say.
The point of this post- I'm not really sure as of now. I just know that we all have these moments in life where we get stressed and aren't really sure what to do. And my advice, it'll all work out how it's supposed to. It may suck living through it, but that's life...as we know it.
Have faith that this world is taking you where you are supposed to go, and it'll all work out.
-Miss Optimistic
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)