Hello Internet:
So today I learned a valuable lesson. Friendship, although it may be hard at times, is one of the most powerful amazing connections two people can have. Friends can make your day better or worse in a minute.
What I learned, is we only should be there for a few, not them all. It is impossible to be there for EVERYONE. I got coffee with an old friend today, and as he kept talking about the second time his father had locked him in the crazy house, I realized- holding my cold coffee, water dripping off my fingertips, how stupid I was. I knew this was going to happen. I KNEW he would sit here and talk to me about ALL the bull shit that has happened to him in the last year.
But as I looked into his green eyes, they were searching mine. They were looking for any type of help, and I could feel it. I have never felt more uncomfortable. I have no answers for someone on 5 different meds, and he doesn't even know what he's taking, because his dad tells him to take them or he's going back to the loony bin. Then, it hit me- it was about this time of year he had told me years ago when he goes a little crazy. And I thought about it, it was about this time of year, last year, his dad put him in that hospital. This time of year, 16 years ago, his mom put a gun to her head and shot herself. How could a mother do that to her children? Don't answer that.
So, me being the one that is always trying to help, I brought it up. All he said was, "I don't need to think about that stuff anymore." And doubt and darkness filled his eyes. You could see it, it filled the whole coffee shop. I told him, "You can't live by just blocking every thing out!" And he goes, "I am living. I am doing what I can to make it. I don't think about yesterday- I think about today, and what could happen tomorrow."
And still my heart felt iced over. It felt like I was in a bad trip or something. His eyes were pouring all his pain into my soul, and I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to get out of the conversation...scrambling for anything- I pulled out my last resource, my cell phone. OOF COURSE! "Mom needs me to run errands. We should do this again sometime!" WHAT!?!?!? I don't want to do it again!!! I don't ever want to feel that coldness and I don't want to see that aching pain and yearning for answers that I saw in the far back of his eyes.
I walked to my car, and realized....I am not here to help everyone. The last time I focused on everyone else but myself, I got into habits I was warned about. Habits I was told were bad, and yet something drew me to them. Every one else's pain made me turn to something I swore I never would. And I felt that today. I can't keep making my same mistakes and falling into old habits. I knew as I opened the car door and sat down on the hot black leather, that was my last time seeing him. I knew I was not the therapist anymore- I was just a friend who will help a friend out every now and then.
And of course every now and then came within a few hours. My best friend is upset because basically her boyfriend is a pussy and afraid of confrontation and she can be passive and doesn't want to upset him- because she loves him.
What a handful of "slkfjosiejflskdjfosifjslkdfjwofj!!!!!!!!!" in one day! hahaha. Anywho- I will tell you right now. NEVER EVER EVER PUT OFF YOUR FEELINGS TO NOT UPSET SOMEONE ELSE. It will only build, and things will only get worse. AND SECONDLY! DO NOT EVER BE A PUSSY AND RUN FROM FEELINGS AND CONFRONTATION. It will get you no where but alone.
Of course I sugar coated that to her...but she listened, and now everything is back to normal :-).
I realized today Internet, we have to pick our battles. We can't help everyone. We have to take it one day at a time, but keep in mind- WE ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT.
-Miss Optimistic
Showing posts with label learn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learn. Show all posts
Friday, May 21, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Letting Go...
Hello Internet-
So if I have learned anything in the last few weeks it is to just let go. A lot happens in our lives and the thing that holds us back the most is holding on to things that hurt us.
May it be fathers who once showed some kind of interest in our lives and now just completely neglect you, ex lovers who did anything for you but now you just don't even know who they are anymore, or friends who you told all your secrets to and you just ended up with a knife in your back.
The thing is, is as much as we want those things to go back to how they once were- they never will. You can't make a father care more about his wife or his kids who he neglects, you can't make an ex wake up and realize what he has messed up, and you can't make a friend take back the scars on your back. The thing is, we hold on to things so tightly because we are so afraid to let them go, but have we ever tried to let them go? Have we ever really tried to give up on those things that kept us sane for so long?
And when we think about it- why is it soooo hard Internet? Why isn't it easier to let go of the people that hurt us the most.
Why do I still care if my Dad can't even hold a 5 minute conversation with me? Why do I still care that after four years my best friend and ex fell out of love with me? Why do I still care that all those friendships in the past have left me vulnerable and scarred?
The thing is- we can't solely rely on the people we once knew, because we all go through things to change us and we all are constantly morphing into new people; whether they be good or bad. Luckily, my sister's graduation from college happened. Luckily, all these things I STILL cared about just seemed so stupid now. I realized my dad will never be the one I remembered him as, and my ex will and I will never go back to who we were, and well the friends I knew I have known I don't want to know them anymore.
So, I promised my best friends that I would let it all go. I told him, no more. The ex can no longer be a friend, especially when he sits there accusing me of something that didn't happen. And if it did, it would've been from over 2 years ago. Can someone say GROW UP!!!!!
But I promised myself to let go of my father. For everyone who has an alcoholic, workaholic, pathological lying father, any type of father who is neglecting you in any way- I feel you. But even if they aren't a father. Maybe a mother, or a friend, or a lover, any type of neglect brings dark and pain to our hearts, and my advice to you is Let It Go.
No matter how many times I tell my dad that I would trade everything I have for him to be around more and care, the reality of it is- to him, they are words going in one ear and out the other. The reality is, to him the things I have are him showing me he cares. The reality is, I have been raised by a mom, and have been without a "father" figure for as long as I can remember. And this weekend- made that pain okay. This weekend made me realize that we don't NEED what society has set up for us. I look at myself today and I see a smart, beautiful, generous, and caring young woman, and thanks to my father not being around; I am ME.
But OF COURSE due to him not being around, I came along the best boys ever! The cheaters, the liars, the abusers, the users, you name it. And they never lasted....until THE EX. The ex was the first manly figure in my life and I loved it. It seemed he filled that whole that my father had dug into my guts. He made it okay. He made me feel like I could do ANYTHING, as long as he was there by my side. Until, he changed. Until- he realized I wasn't the only fish in the sea, if you know what I mean. But, once he had enough time exploring the ocean- WITHOUT me, he comes back while I am happily with my new boyfriend and had plenty of time to Let Him Go.
When I look back on the 4-5 months I spent without the ex texting, calling, IMing, e-mailing me. When I look back on those months when he was not around, I was happy. I wasn't worrying or looking out for someone who seemed to pity me for so long. I wasn't wasting more time on someone else then myself. I focused on myself for once, fixed myself, and became a better person because: I Let It Go.
Now that he is back, it's complicated, messy, and it's viral. He's like a disease and poisons my blood. I can't help but fall under his spells and do what he says. Until- he wants to accuse me of something I didn't really do until a few months ago. Ridiculous. So- I made a decision- Let Him Go. Yet again.
And that's the thing Internet- the only way we can truly be happy is by as Eminem's powerful song says "clean out our closets". We all have baggage and we all have demons, ghosts, issues, but I ask you- What makes us...us?
It is those demons, ghosts, issues, the baggage that has taught us who we are, and made us better. But the only way we can be better- is if we Let. The. Pain. Go.
USE IT TO LEARN, don't let it use you, don't let it keep you down and suffer. Just simply...Let It Go.
-Miss Optimistic
So if I have learned anything in the last few weeks it is to just let go. A lot happens in our lives and the thing that holds us back the most is holding on to things that hurt us.
May it be fathers who once showed some kind of interest in our lives and now just completely neglect you, ex lovers who did anything for you but now you just don't even know who they are anymore, or friends who you told all your secrets to and you just ended up with a knife in your back.
The thing is, is as much as we want those things to go back to how they once were- they never will. You can't make a father care more about his wife or his kids who he neglects, you can't make an ex wake up and realize what he has messed up, and you can't make a friend take back the scars on your back. The thing is, we hold on to things so tightly because we are so afraid to let them go, but have we ever tried to let them go? Have we ever really tried to give up on those things that kept us sane for so long?
And when we think about it- why is it soooo hard Internet? Why isn't it easier to let go of the people that hurt us the most.
Why do I still care if my Dad can't even hold a 5 minute conversation with me? Why do I still care that after four years my best friend and ex fell out of love with me? Why do I still care that all those friendships in the past have left me vulnerable and scarred?
The thing is- we can't solely rely on the people we once knew, because we all go through things to change us and we all are constantly morphing into new people; whether they be good or bad. Luckily, my sister's graduation from college happened. Luckily, all these things I STILL cared about just seemed so stupid now. I realized my dad will never be the one I remembered him as, and my ex will and I will never go back to who we were, and well the friends I knew I have known I don't want to know them anymore.
So, I promised my best friends that I would let it all go. I told him, no more. The ex can no longer be a friend, especially when he sits there accusing me of something that didn't happen. And if it did, it would've been from over 2 years ago. Can someone say GROW UP!!!!!
But I promised myself to let go of my father. For everyone who has an alcoholic, workaholic, pathological lying father, any type of father who is neglecting you in any way- I feel you. But even if they aren't a father. Maybe a mother, or a friend, or a lover, any type of neglect brings dark and pain to our hearts, and my advice to you is Let It Go.
No matter how many times I tell my dad that I would trade everything I have for him to be around more and care, the reality of it is- to him, they are words going in one ear and out the other. The reality is, to him the things I have are him showing me he cares. The reality is, I have been raised by a mom, and have been without a "father" figure for as long as I can remember. And this weekend- made that pain okay. This weekend made me realize that we don't NEED what society has set up for us. I look at myself today and I see a smart, beautiful, generous, and caring young woman, and thanks to my father not being around; I am ME.
But OF COURSE due to him not being around, I came along the best boys ever! The cheaters, the liars, the abusers, the users, you name it. And they never lasted....until THE EX. The ex was the first manly figure in my life and I loved it. It seemed he filled that whole that my father had dug into my guts. He made it okay. He made me feel like I could do ANYTHING, as long as he was there by my side. Until, he changed. Until- he realized I wasn't the only fish in the sea, if you know what I mean. But, once he had enough time exploring the ocean- WITHOUT me, he comes back while I am happily with my new boyfriend and had plenty of time to Let Him Go.
When I look back on the 4-5 months I spent without the ex texting, calling, IMing, e-mailing me. When I look back on those months when he was not around, I was happy. I wasn't worrying or looking out for someone who seemed to pity me for so long. I wasn't wasting more time on someone else then myself. I focused on myself for once, fixed myself, and became a better person because: I Let It Go.
Now that he is back, it's complicated, messy, and it's viral. He's like a disease and poisons my blood. I can't help but fall under his spells and do what he says. Until- he wants to accuse me of something I didn't really do until a few months ago. Ridiculous. So- I made a decision- Let Him Go. Yet again.
And that's the thing Internet- the only way we can truly be happy is by as Eminem's powerful song says "clean out our closets". We all have baggage and we all have demons, ghosts, issues, but I ask you- What makes us...us?
It is those demons, ghosts, issues, the baggage that has taught us who we are, and made us better. But the only way we can be better- is if we Let. The. Pain. Go.
USE IT TO LEARN, don't let it use you, don't let it keep you down and suffer. Just simply...Let It Go.
-Miss Optimistic
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Realization
Hello Internet:
So today I realized how to actually use this ridiculous site. HAHA!! I just realized I have had a few people commenting on my posts, and I had NO IDEA!
Now that I figured out how to use this thing, I will be posting/talking about comments people post. IF any are posted from here on out- also if people e-mail, instead of responding, I will use your situation (anonymous of course) and give you your answer here.
optimisticvoice@yahoo.com
SO! on, February 7, 2010 Will said....
I like that line "Talking is like crying wolf; you keep talking, people stop listening." I'll probably use it too :) My line is "You have 2 ears and 1 mouth because you are to listen twice as much as you are to speak"
What wise words. When you think about it this is so true. We have two ears to hear all around us, and one mouth to talk one way.
But, if we think about it, how many people really feel this way? How many people listen more than they talk? From the people I know- not many. I think I will touch on this a bit more.
Internet- how often do you listen? How often do you talk? Do you talk more than you listen or vice-versa? I challenge you, use your two ears, and use less of your mouth. You will learn more by listening.
I told my boyfriend last night, "I can't teach you if you don't want to learn."
If you are not willing to listen, don't listen. But you will be missing out on amazing words, thoughts, and ideas.
Think about it, or maybe listen more. It's funny I think the reason why I get so frustrated with people, and dislike people so easily is because I actually listen. I listen to the stupid pointless things they say. He said this, she did that, omg?! did you hear about her?! What is the point? Why focus on other people's lives- clearly you have little to no life of your own if that is what you are doing.
Open your mind, ears, and close your mouth Internet.
Learn something today.
-Miss Optimistic
So today I realized how to actually use this ridiculous site. HAHA!! I just realized I have had a few people commenting on my posts, and I had NO IDEA!
Now that I figured out how to use this thing, I will be posting/talking about comments people post. IF any are posted from here on out- also if people e-mail, instead of responding, I will use your situation (anonymous of course) and give you your answer here.
optimisticvoice@yahoo.com
SO! on, February 7, 2010 Will said....
I like that line "Talking is like crying wolf; you keep talking, people stop listening." I'll probably use it too :) My line is "You have 2 ears and 1 mouth because you are to listen twice as much as you are to speak"
What wise words. When you think about it this is so true. We have two ears to hear all around us, and one mouth to talk one way.
But, if we think about it, how many people really feel this way? How many people listen more than they talk? From the people I know- not many. I think I will touch on this a bit more.
Internet- how often do you listen? How often do you talk? Do you talk more than you listen or vice-versa? I challenge you, use your two ears, and use less of your mouth. You will learn more by listening.
I told my boyfriend last night, "I can't teach you if you don't want to learn."
If you are not willing to listen, don't listen. But you will be missing out on amazing words, thoughts, and ideas.
Think about it, or maybe listen more. It's funny I think the reason why I get so frustrated with people, and dislike people so easily is because I actually listen. I listen to the stupid pointless things they say. He said this, she did that, omg?! did you hear about her?! What is the point? Why focus on other people's lives- clearly you have little to no life of your own if that is what you are doing.
Open your mind, ears, and close your mouth Internet.
Learn something today.
-Miss Optimistic
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Procrastination
Hello Internet:
While I procrastinate more on the paper I have due tomorrow...I figure it is time to get over my unwinding time.
I want to say that we all do get overwhelmed and have unexpected things happen in our lives, but I realized today that it is those that don't leave your side that make it easier.
"I wanted so badly somebody other than me.
Staring back at me bu you were gone.
I wanted to see you walking backwards,
And get the sensation of you coming home
I wanted to see you walking away from me
Without the sensation of you leaving me alone."
-Time and Time Again: Counting Crows
I am listening to the song now, and the lyrics have given my body goose pimples. Surprisingly enough, I am someone that is easy to walk out on, and has been walked out on many times, and mostly by men. I can guarantee many of you have felt this as well. But I will say this- with every closed door and every back turned, although it may hurt at the time, each time we are walked out on we are taught something.
Taught to watch what we say, taught to not open up as much, taught to listen, taught to chase after someone, taught anything that deals with that certain situation. My father is a master of walking out on us, and what I have learned from it...is to be strong. To not rely on him for anything other than to support me in my decisions. Each closing door is a new layer of skin on my delicate body. Because, although I have had many closed doors in my past from him, regardless I can turn to him for help with an issue I'm having, an opinion, or support in my education and extra curriculars.
My mistake the other night was to take a man walking out on me in a negative way. I stayed up all night tossing and turning wondering how I had found yet another boy that can just easily walk away from me. But what I didn't realize, is he walked out because he cared. He walked out because that's what he thought I wanted.
Maybe that's why a lot of men do walk out on us. Because they can't sit there and watch us hurt and suffer when they don't know what to do. Maybe they just have this idea that the way they can help us is by putting on their coat, slipping on their shoes and twisting the door knob, with a quiet slam behind them.
We are all looking for someone who will stick things out with us regardless, but I know for a fact my father is numb to emotion. He doesn't know how to deal with it, nor does he want to know anymore. His life or past has taught him to close the door on emotion and adolescence.
So I guess what I am saying Internet is to not feel so bad when a door is closed. Like I told my friend who is dying to be an artist- every no and every denial should push you to keep going and push you to want that label even more. Like striving to be an artist- every closed door and every person that walks out on us should be our reason to keep going and keep showing people what they are walking out on. I know who I am- I am a young intelligent woman, I'm cute and understanding, I listen more than I speak, I love more than I hate, and am respectful and honest more than I probably should be. The way I live my life is hard to find in this society- so who would want to walk out on me?
Internet- I ask you to answer the same question. WHO ARE YOU? And what are the reasons why people wouldn't want to walk out on you. Then once you have those answers...you will know if you are walked out on...that person was a waste of your time, and to only keep pushing on.
-Miss Optimistic.
While I procrastinate more on the paper I have due tomorrow...I figure it is time to get over my unwinding time.
I want to say that we all do get overwhelmed and have unexpected things happen in our lives, but I realized today that it is those that don't leave your side that make it easier.
"I wanted so badly somebody other than me.
Staring back at me bu you were gone.
I wanted to see you walking backwards,
And get the sensation of you coming home
I wanted to see you walking away from me
Without the sensation of you leaving me alone."
-Time and Time Again: Counting Crows
I am listening to the song now, and the lyrics have given my body goose pimples. Surprisingly enough, I am someone that is easy to walk out on, and has been walked out on many times, and mostly by men. I can guarantee many of you have felt this as well. But I will say this- with every closed door and every back turned, although it may hurt at the time, each time we are walked out on we are taught something.
Taught to watch what we say, taught to not open up as much, taught to listen, taught to chase after someone, taught anything that deals with that certain situation. My father is a master of walking out on us, and what I have learned from it...is to be strong. To not rely on him for anything other than to support me in my decisions. Each closing door is a new layer of skin on my delicate body. Because, although I have had many closed doors in my past from him, regardless I can turn to him for help with an issue I'm having, an opinion, or support in my education and extra curriculars.
My mistake the other night was to take a man walking out on me in a negative way. I stayed up all night tossing and turning wondering how I had found yet another boy that can just easily walk away from me. But what I didn't realize, is he walked out because he cared. He walked out because that's what he thought I wanted.
Maybe that's why a lot of men do walk out on us. Because they can't sit there and watch us hurt and suffer when they don't know what to do. Maybe they just have this idea that the way they can help us is by putting on their coat, slipping on their shoes and twisting the door knob, with a quiet slam behind them.
We are all looking for someone who will stick things out with us regardless, but I know for a fact my father is numb to emotion. He doesn't know how to deal with it, nor does he want to know anymore. His life or past has taught him to close the door on emotion and adolescence.
So I guess what I am saying Internet is to not feel so bad when a door is closed. Like I told my friend who is dying to be an artist- every no and every denial should push you to keep going and push you to want that label even more. Like striving to be an artist- every closed door and every person that walks out on us should be our reason to keep going and keep showing people what they are walking out on. I know who I am- I am a young intelligent woman, I'm cute and understanding, I listen more than I speak, I love more than I hate, and am respectful and honest more than I probably should be. The way I live my life is hard to find in this society- so who would want to walk out on me?
Internet- I ask you to answer the same question. WHO ARE YOU? And what are the reasons why people wouldn't want to walk out on you. Then once you have those answers...you will know if you are walked out on...that person was a waste of your time, and to only keep pushing on.
-Miss Optimistic.
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