Friendship

Hello Internet:

So today I learned a valuable lesson. Friendship, although it may be hard at times, is one of the most powerful amazing connections two people can have. Friends can make your day better or worse in a minute.

What I learned, is we only should be there for a few, not them all. It is impossible to be there for EVERYONE. I got coffee with an old friend today, and as he kept talking about the second time his father had locked him in the crazy house, I realized- holding my cold coffee, water dripping off my fingertips, how stupid I was. I knew this was going to happen. I KNEW he would sit here and talk to me about ALL the bull shit that has happened to him in the last year.

But as I looked into his green eyes, they were searching mine. They were looking for any type of help, and I could feel it. I have never felt more uncomfortable. I have no answers for someone on 5 different meds, and he doesn't even know what he's taking, because his dad tells him to take them or he's going back to the loony bin. Then, it hit me- it was about this time of year he had told me years ago when he goes a little crazy. And I thought about it, it was about this time of year, last year, his dad put him in that hospital. This time of year, 16 years ago, his mom put a gun to her head and shot herself. How could a mother do that to her children? Don't answer that.

So, me being the one that is always trying to help, I brought it up. All he said was, "I don't need to think about that stuff anymore." And doubt and darkness filled his eyes. You could see it, it filled the whole coffee shop. I told him, "You can't live by just blocking every thing out!" And he goes, "I am living. I am doing what I can to make it. I don't think about yesterday- I think about today, and what could happen tomorrow."

And still my heart felt iced over. It felt like I was in a bad trip or something. His eyes were pouring all his pain into my soul, and I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to get out of the conversation...scrambling for anything- I pulled out my last resource, my cell phone. OOF COURSE! "Mom needs me to run errands. We should do this again sometime!" WHAT!?!?!? I don't want to do it again!!! I don't ever want to feel that coldness and I don't want to see that aching pain and yearning for answers that I saw in the far back of his eyes.

I walked to my car, and realized....I am not here to help everyone. The last time I focused on everyone else but myself, I got into habits I was warned about. Habits I was told were bad, and yet something drew me to them. Every one else's pain made me turn to something I swore I never would. And I felt that today. I can't keep making my same mistakes and falling into old habits. I knew as I opened the car door and sat down on the hot black leather, that was my last time seeing him. I knew I was not the therapist anymore- I was just a friend who will help a friend out every now and then.

And of course every now and then came within a few hours. My best friend is upset because basically her boyfriend is a pussy and afraid of confrontation and she can be passive and doesn't want to upset him- because she loves him.

What a handful of "slkfjosiejflskdjfosifjslkdfjwofj!!!!!!!!!" in one day! hahaha. Anywho- I will tell you right now. NEVER EVER EVER PUT OFF YOUR FEELINGS TO NOT UPSET SOMEONE ELSE. It will only build, and things will only get worse. AND SECONDLY! DO NOT EVER BE A PUSSY AND RUN FROM FEELINGS AND CONFRONTATION. It will get you no where but alone.

Of course I sugar coated that to her...but she listened, and now everything is back to normal :-).

I realized today Internet, we have to pick our battles. We can't help everyone. We have to take it one day at a time, but keep in mind- WE ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT.

-Miss Optimistic

Black and White

Hello Internet:

So, I started thinking today while I was waiting in the health center to only get told I have bronchitis symptoms, how much easier life would be if it was black and white. No grays, no hazy white, or dull blacks. Just this is what it is, and this is what I want, and I got it.

The thing is- There are always grays, there are always hazy whites, and there are always dull blacks. I found a drawing today my ex boyfriend/best friend had drawn for me. It was a sunset with a boat sailing into it. On the back, said this is to symbolize you and me moving forward. Our amazing bond will never break, because you and me have something too special. You will always be mine- I want you and no one else.

Something like that.

Funny thing is, is a few weeks after he had sent me that, our relationship deteriorated, and our friendship started falling apart. My heart ached for days and days, this painful throb in my chest never seemed to stop. It pounded with each footstep I took and each breath that entered my lungs. The one thing that kept me holding on for so many years had vanished from my life.

I look back on it, and the only thing that actually kept us together was this "love" we shared. This bond we had where we just knew we literally had no one else. It was only me he could come to, only me he would want to be with, only me he could run to. It was White. It all was angelic and what I thought was this perfect friendship, this perfect love. Once the hazy whites sunk in is when my heart started breaking.

It seems life is much simpler if it is all in black and white, much less painful. This girl started talking to me about this situation with this stupid ignorant boy. Here he let this amazing girl go, and then goes flaunting other girls he's all over in front of her. I'm not sure when this dull black became acceptable in society, but I will say one thing.

The haziest days are always the hardest to pull through, but when we have that white or black to hold our hands along the way it makes it a little easier.

Our hearts are going to ache and hurt regardless of if we want them to. I can tell myself day after day this ex best(boy) friend is out of my mind, out of my life, but with every day my mind goes back to him my heart aches for him.

There is always that hole in our lives, that hazy white, or that dull black that taunts us. That says life is not perfect. But, there is always that one thing that some how magically fills that hole and makes your life pure and white.

I thought my life would never be white again, but my consistent gratitude and my positive mind gave me this gift I now can call mine. This hole that has been filled. Sure, I still have those moments of grays, where life seems so complicated and so incomplete, but my point of this blog post Internet is to show you that although things may seem worse at the time. There is always a better tomorrow that you can create.

-Miss Optimistic

Black History Month

Hello Internet:

I apologize for no post, but today I will do one now, and another later on. In honor of black history month, I am going to talk about race and our nationalities. My friend told me a story about how someone used the word Indian as a racial slur. But look at it the other way. Let's say ( to those of us that are white) we were a darker color. What would you do if someone called you "nigger" , "Indian", "chino" etc.

Where we came up with these racist acts/words is beyond me. We are all human and all the same regardless ofthe color of our skin. I guess what I am trying to say is don't judge. One of the greatest and most wise men I know is black. Some of the most genuine people I have met are black. These people know how it feels to be discriminated against, an because of that are the most open, sincere people in our society today. Don't get me wrong, a lot of my white friends are sincere and honest as well, but there is something special about ethnic people.

They seem to laugh more, enjoy life, and just live better. They have fully understood what sister/brotherhood is about and are there for eachother. They use their race as an advantage to build better friendships, where as the whites are lost. Their big heads run with the idea that they are the "best" at everything.

So I challenge you Internet: in the month of black history month- reach out to different races and learn from them.

-Miss Optimistic