Hello Internet:
My sister gave me this book called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. Because I was so busy for a while I never got the chance to pick it up and dive in, until this week. Her second chapter jogged me back to last year, when I read "The Secret" and realized, we need to stop worrying so much about other people- and worry about ourselves.
"A teacher visited during this time, and I remember her saying to me, 'When you have made good friends with yourself, your situation will be more friendly too.' I had learned this lesson before, and I knew that it was the only way to go. I used to have a sign pinned up on my wall that read: 'Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.' Somehow, even before I heard the Buddhist teachings, I knew that this was the spirit of true awakening. It was all about letting go of everything. Nevertheless, when the bottom falls out and we can't find anything to grasp, it hurts a lot. It's like the Naropa Institute motto: 'Love of the truth puts you on the spot.' We might have some romantic view of what that means, but when we are nailed with the truth, we suffer. We look in the bathroom mirror, and there we are with our pimples, our aging face, our lack of kindness, our aggression and timidity-- all that stuff."
It's funny when you read this- it's all like yea yea yea tell me something I don't know. But I tell you Internet: Read it again and again, until you feel what she is saying here.
She is telling you yes- it hurts to hit the bottom, she is telling you yes- honesty may be painful, and she is telling us yes- we should be easy-going and just let things go.
But beyond all of that, she is saying look at yourself. Look at who you are and where you came from. Your falls, your strengths, your weaknesses, everything. You can not befriend someone and love someone if you don't love yourself. And when I read this passage, I think I realized why I never really had a boyfriend, nor have I ever felt this thing people call "love". Throughout middle school and high school I suffered more than I ever wanted to. Cutting, weed, backstabbing bitches, lies, people using me, it all just added up into me not loving myself. Every little thing someone did to me, I would look in the mirror and it was like I kept getting uglier and darker.
But, it took me getting hurt the most and having to stand up on my own, and learn to love myself that makes me so loving and open today. As I have talked about in previous posts, the one person who stood by me through everything decided he needed his own space, which I gave, and he didn't think I would have given. A few nights I would call my mom crying, telling her this or that that I just was so upset blah blah blah. And then I remembered the Secret. I remembered how it's not about others- it is about this beautiful creature looking back at me in the mirror.
"When one door closes, another opens." I closed a door to my past, and opened a door to my future. You know it's funny. I came home for break and went back to the unstable environment that got me into drugs and more hatred towards myself, but this time it was different. This time I was "good friends with myself." And each day I went there, each day that went by, and each day that goes by I love myself more and more.
And when I think about it that way, because of the love I give myself, I have opened myself up to an amazing man. My walls are down, and I love every minute of it. I love how he makes me feel, and I love who I am when I am around him. I have never had this before, because I have never loved myself before.
So Internet: What I am trying to say is, although I preach to love and be open to others- you first need to open up to yourself and love yourself. Because without you there will be no story, and there will be no reason. Your life is all you have, and will always have. Live for each day, and remember there should be at least someone who does love you- yourself.
-Miss Optimistic
No comments:
Post a Comment