YOU are your own best friend?

Hello Internet:

My sister gave me this book called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. Because I was so busy for a while I never got the chance to pick it up and dive in, until this week. Her second chapter jogged me back to last year, when I read "The Secret" and realized, we need to stop worrying so much about other people- and worry about ourselves.

"A teacher visited during this time, and I remember her saying to me, 'When you have made good friends with yourself, your situation will be more friendly too.' I had learned this lesson before, and I knew that it was the only way to go. I used to have a sign pinned up on my wall that read: 'Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.' Somehow, even before I heard the Buddhist teachings, I knew that this was the spirit of true awakening. It was all about letting go of everything. Nevertheless, when the bottom falls out and we can't find anything to grasp, it hurts a lot. It's like the Naropa Institute motto: 'Love of the truth puts you on the spot.' We might have some romantic view of what that means, but when we are nailed with the truth, we suffer. We look in the bathroom mirror, and there we are with our pimples, our aging face, our lack of kindness, our aggression and timidity-- all that stuff."

It's funny when you read this- it's all like yea yea yea tell me something I don't know. But I tell you Internet: Read it again and again, until you feel what she is saying here.

She is telling you yes- it hurts to hit the bottom, she is telling you yes- honesty may be painful, and she is telling us yes- we should be easy-going and just let things go.

But beyond all of that, she is saying look at yourself. Look at who you are and where you came from. Your falls, your strengths, your weaknesses, everything. You can not befriend someone and love someone if you don't love yourself. And when I read this passage, I think I realized why I never really had a boyfriend, nor have I ever felt this thing people call "love". Throughout middle school and high school I suffered more than I ever wanted to. Cutting, weed, backstabbing bitches, lies, people using me, it all just added up into me not loving myself. Every little thing someone did to me, I would look in the mirror and it was like I kept getting uglier and darker.

But, it took me getting hurt the most and having to stand up on my own, and learn to love myself that makes me so loving and open today. As I have talked about in previous posts, the one person who stood by me through everything decided he needed his own space, which I gave, and he didn't think I would have given. A few nights I would call my mom crying, telling her this or that that I just was so upset blah blah blah. And then I remembered the Secret. I remembered how it's not about others- it is about this beautiful creature looking back at me in the mirror.

"When one door closes, another opens." I closed a door to my past, and opened a door to my future. You know it's funny. I came home for break and went back to the unstable environment that got me into drugs and more hatred towards myself, but this time it was different. This time I was "good friends with myself." And each day I went there, each day that went by, and each day that goes by I love myself more and more.

And when I think about it that way, because of the love I give myself, I have opened myself up to an amazing man. My walls are down, and I love every minute of it. I love how he makes me feel, and I love who I am when I am around him. I have never had this before, because I have never loved myself before.

So Internet: What I am trying to say is, although I preach to love and be open to others- you first need to open up to yourself and love yourself. Because without you there will be no story, and there will be no reason. Your life is all you have, and will always have. Live for each day, and remember there should be at least someone who does love you- yourself.

-Miss Optimistic

Imagination.

Hello Internet:

So today I was looking in the mirror- and I realized...I seemed thinner than I had the last couple weeks. Do not think that I am calling myself fat or anything, because I am not insecure about my body- nor have I ever been. I have always been the tiny one...who instead of getting made fun of for being fat, was made fun of for being anorexic or bulimic, and I can tell you right now I am far from either!

The thing is...I did get a little insecure the last few weeks, and I don't know if that's because I had so much going on and was stressed and just wanted to lay in my bed all day, but instead was out running around all day with no rest in between, but ultimately, I would look in the mirror and just see this little pouch at the bottom of my stomach.

At first didn't think anything of it, didn't care. But then my mind started really running wild. I would look in the mirror and say I'm gaining weight (THIS IS NOT A BAD THING!!!!! to girls who are afraid to!) but finally today when I got out of the shower and just looked in the mirror I saw beauty. I just looked at my soul and beauty was pouring out of it.

I saw a video last night on "anti-hazing" in colleges, and I can tell you right now I can not remember the last time I have been so moved by a film. This boy at Boland College I think in Colorado was murdered because he was told to drink until he passed out basically. The brothers brought the pledges back to the house and this boy, Gordie...just layed on the couch, passed out. The boys then thought it would be funny to draw all over him with sharpie. One in specific saying "It sucks to be YOU!".

Gordie did not wake up that morning. In FACT! He was laying face down on the floor in his throw up for 10 hours before anyone called for help! The one boy they interviewed who I think was a brother of this frat, with tears welling in his eyes just said something along the lines of, "you know, it sucks having a friend like that and just knowing the last thing you did to them before they died was drawing on them with sharpie."

HOW SICK. After that film I texted all of the most important people in my life, because what I think we most often forget is to show these emotions: gratitude, love, passion, etc. I made sure to text my family, my boyfriend, and my closest friends who have impacted my life. The ones that have stood by me through whatever and I know will always be there.

I realized with that film that life is too short to worry about if I'm gaining weight or if my paper isn't "A" quality, because there is so much more to life. I do not want to live one minute of my life anymore with out the closest people around me knowing I love them unconditionally, and always will.

The point of all of this...is our imagination makes our mind run wild. I did a beautiful thing last night and touched about a dozen people's hearts and day, and today when I woke up finally well rested: looked in the mirror and although there is acne on my face and my nose has a bump on it, my feet are disgusting, my boobs are too small, my hair isn't the right color, I haven't plucked my eyebrows in weeks, I still managed to just look in the mirror and see beauty. None of that today matters.

Gratitude is the one thing I stress most in this blog, because with out being grateful for something, we don't know what we have.

So Internet: With this, I ask you to look in the mirror- what do you see? Anger, love, beauty, peace, broken heart- what is it that is inside of you that is making your days a little duller, a little brighter, a little harder? Find what that is...and instead of looking in the mirror and seeing sadness and anger- look in the mirror and start seeing beauty and peace- because we are all peacefully beautiful!

-Miss Optimistic

Love

Hello Internet:

Today is short and sweet. I think if I make my comments on what I am posting it will ruin the beautiful lyrics. Read: Think: Realize- All we need is love <3.

"There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game-
It's easy.

There's nothing you can make that can't be made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy.

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love...
Love is all you need!

There's nothing you can know that isn't known
Nothing you can see that isn't shown
There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be
It's easy.

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need."

Beatles- All you need is love

-Miss Optimistic